Is Jeff useless? If so, who would you replace him with? Detail please.

Now, granted, you can't say a whole lot in support of a guy who wears a green suit with a bow tie and has a hairstyle vaguely reminiscent of the look favored by tumbleweeds. But I must take exception to any assertion that Jeff is useless. I do allow that if I had to pick one party member of the four to ditch in a trash can somewhere and replace with Mr. T, Jeff would have to be it, but that's only because you need Paula's Pray command to defeat Giygas.

Anyhow, let's get a brief listing of Jeff's weak points first:

- No PSI
- His use of guns means he can't SMAAAAASH, unless you leave him unarmed
- Spy is pretty useless as an actual battle tactic
- He doesn't really have all that much HP
- He has about as much fashion sense as Everdred
- He hangs around with Tony
- He's supposed to be a genius, yet he doesn't realize that the "Ruler" and "Protractor" are completely useless in the EarthBound world

But now, let's investigate his strengths:

- Pretty high offense and he never misses, unless the enemy dodges or he is crying
- The HP-Sucker is pretty effective
- The Heavy Bazooka rules
- Where would we be without bottle rockets?
- The Spy command is mildly useful when you're looking for those 1/128 items
- The Spy command is very useful when it's 3:30 AM and you're bored out of your mind
- He wears glasses that are probably thicker than the Oxford English Dictionary
- Anyone who can make a laser gun out of a broken harmonica gets a thumbs-up from me

More details on this stuff shortly. But anyway, as I'm sure you realize, the center of the argument is just how useful the items that only he can use are. Well, the bottle rockets are fantastic, everyone knows that. Just why is Ness incapable of firing a bottle rocket, anyway? OK, I can see where the prince of Dalaam maybe is unfamiliar with bottle rockets, and maybe even a very sheltered 13-year-old girl. But there's no 13-year-old boy on earth, or in Eagleland, who is not familiar with far more powerful explosives than simple bottle rockets. Boys have a very basic primal instinct to blow stuff up. So in this regard, at least, Jeff is more masculine than Ness, who usually gets all the press attention for this sort of thing.

I'll have the braised boa over minced baby leeks... Oh, you're not the waiter.

(WARNING: INCOMING RANT APPROACHING)

NOW. I would like to address, for a 837,094th time, this issue: Why in the world does everyone think the @
*%%&
^% Shield killer is so wonderful?! Okay. Let's calm down and consider. In this corner, we have the Shield Killer, which:

(a) Works on one enemy at a time.
(b) Fails about 1/3 of the time.
(c) Smells vaguely like the donuts Dr. Andonuts left upstairs eight months ago.

And in this corner, wearing the red and blue trunks, we have the Neutralizer, which:

(a) Works on all enemies.
(b) Takes out shields with a 100% success rate.
(c) Smells vaguely like monkeys.

As we can see, the Neutralizer clearly wins on all three counts. "But wait!" you're saying. "The Neutralizer takes out your OWN shields too, plus it nullifies any offense up or defense down or sudden guts pills!" Yes, you're right about that. But you forgot that it also makes Poo return to his original form if he had used the Mirror command. Okay, well, that was quite rude, and I can't reprint what you just said to me, since this is a family mailbag (it has a wife mailbag and two little mailbags at home.)

Anyhow, the point is that extreme boredom is the only reason you'd ever use a sudden guts pill or offense up/defense down. And I dunno about you, but the only enemies I ever put up any kind of shield against are the Ghost of Starman and Giygas, neither of which has a shield to kill. Point is, the Neutralizer is far more preferable 99% of the time, and the Shield Killer is a waste of inventory space.

Yeah, I worked for the zombies, but I betrayed them too. I'm a con man, so I know the score.

Back to the original subject: No, Jeff is not useless. Face it. You rarely use PSI, anyway, because you're paranoid about running out of PP, even though you're carrying six magic truffles and 93 Brain food lunches. NO, it's NOT just me that does that. anyhow, PSI Rockin omega costs 98 PP and deals, at best, 950 or so HP of damage. Cool. Multi bottle rockets cost a measly couple thousand bucks (chump change by the time you reach Deep Darkness) and can do more than 1500 HP of damage. For this reason, in a one-on-one fight, Paula couldn't stand against Jeff for five seconds. Ness or Poo, who can use power shields and lifeup, would beat Jeff up and take his lunch money away and leave him running away crying like a schoolgirl.

As usual, I have no point. Maybe Jeff DOES suck (I personally don't think so, but you might. I might be wrong... there's a first time for everything.) But that doesn't make him useless. It just makes him a viable candidate for the United States Senate.

Okay, well, by now you're wondering what gives, since this mailbag entry is phenomenally nonsensical. The answer is that I went to bed at 2:30 AM and got up at 5 AM, and I just got done taking two back-to-back final exams. So The Artist Formerly Known As CPTCrunch's brain is completely fried.

There are lots of snakes and stray dogs around Onett. Is the mayor going to let them just run around, doing whatever they want? I'm here to protest!

One final thing: I was extremely disappointed by the very weak mailbag response last week to a very good topic. Then again, I was just really bored and suffering from vicious caffeine withdrawal last week, which is probably why it seemed so much like I had something intelligent to say. (Any resemblence to intelligent writing is purely accidental.) I humbly suggest the following mailbag topic:

Congratulations! You just got hired to run the Flukes section. What are you going to do next?

And bring back the occasional, once-a-month-or-something co-responder! Co-responders are fun. Also, I think sometime soon we ought to have a mailbag where WE ask YOU questions, and you have to answer them. I would have a lot of fun doing that sort of thing. Maybe you would, too. Then again, maybe you wouldn't. The next poll EBounding does ought to be something like:

How would you best describe The Artist Formerly Known As CPTCrunch?

( ) Who cares?
( ) He's a moron.
( ) He's a flaming moron.
( ) He needs to get a life.
( ) He needs to double his medication dosage.
( ) What?! He changed his @
^*(@)
^ name AGAIN?!
( ) Who?
( ) He's not only a moron, but also a colossal jerk.
( ) I wonder if his two brain cells ever collide with one another and give him a headache?
( ) Him < me
In the meantime, mint brownies with fudge topping await me.

Why are you asking about a driver's license? You're way too young to even think about getting behind the wheel, you little pest.

--The Artist Formerly Known As CPTCrunch





Congrats on writing a Letter of the Week!

At last it has happened! Never in my career here has somebody written the Letter of the Week THREE TIMES IN A ROW – and it finally happened! Such an occurrence has not been seen since Sephy’s reign in the time of StarmanDeluxe! All hail The Artist Formerly Known As CPTCrunch! You’d better be careful, though. You were very close to being dethroned this week. VERY close. If you really like this award, I suggest you beware Da Niznik.

Your comparison of Jeff’s pros and cons was excellent, of course, but I personally appreciated the detailed breakdown of each of his strengths in addition to the addressing of the hyperultral33tness of the Neutralizer. ...whoa, that’s weird. Spellcheck is fully confident that hyperultral33tness is a word. It is also confident that “spellcheck” is not. Crazy thing. I would also like you to know that the baby mailbags hear more than enough profanity from their crazy uncle mailbag. You need not worry.

Now, I never really thought that Jeff was useless, but your letter made me see the his Powa. Now I might actually say more than “eh” when Jeff gets blasted across the room by a deadly laser. Or maybe I will just turn to Mr. T. Nobody ever knows. As for your poll, I vote “What?! He changed his @
^*(@)
^ name AGAIN?!” because “Guruzeth” was so much easier to retype and fit nicely into the Hall of Fame.

Well, congratulations. And remember, if you win LotW next week, you set a new Mailbag letter and break a few records. Have a nice day!

--GuyInSummers

Yes, me.

--smartarse





Pray to Annual Gift Man that I don’t find your forum member number. Oh, such fun I will have. It’s going to be a merry, joyous holiday.

~GiS

Greetings all! I think that this might be only my second Mailbag letter ever, so I'm pretty excited to actually be writing here! I'm actually supposed to be working on a 10 page paper summing up the financial reporting and status of AT&T Corp. for my accounting class (working on = starting) but I am here instead because the topic for Mailbag is slightly more fun than that of the aforementioned paper. Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about the man of the hour: Jeff Andonuts.

Is he useless? Are you kidding? Well, actually, not to revert to Bill Clinton logic, but I guess it could depend on your definition of "useless".

My personal opinion is that Jeff is anything but useless. Though many of his plot-related functions in the game could just as easily be filled by a substitute, Jeff has some pretty neat abilities that to me certainly make up for his lack of PSI ability:

1) He can fix things. Being a scientist's son and a bit of a budding engineer, Jeff is a practical alchemist who can make garbage into gold -- who wouldn't want to team up with a kid that can turn a Broken Pipe into a Shield Killer? Sure, the need for skills like Jeff's could easily have been eliminated if the game programmers had simply distributed items like the Laser Gun, Hungry HP Sucker and Gaia Beam in easy to access locations throughout EarthBound, rather than simple doling out their broken counterparts, which are pretty useless if not repaired (unless you count the fact that some of them can be sold for cash). Still, Jeff's repairman talent adds a unique aspect to the game, creating a challenge where it is not enough to find the item you want -- you must raise your levels to a certain point (increasing Jeff's IQ beyond a threshold) before the item can be converted and put to use. This special ability sets Jeff apart as a character.

2) I spy with my little eye... a Sword of Kings hiding behind that Starman Super's back! Grab it! Sure, maybe Jeff's Spy command isn't something you use regularly, but there are times when it sure comes in handy. It's a pretty neat convention when you're trying to pick up a rare item like the Magic Fry Pan or Star Pendant and just can't take the suspense any longer. I personally like to bust out the Spy ability in the Stonehenge Base, because while slaying Starman Supers (Starmen Super?) over and over is a great way to gain EXP, I tend to reach a point where I start to worry about pumping Ness's level up so high that by the time I get to Magicant, he'll already be at or dangerously close to Level 99 and won't be able to benefit from the awesome level-up after defeating Ness's Nightmare. So I Spy in each battle with a Starman Super, and if I get the Sword of Kings that way, I grab it and Run Away, and if I don't, then I don't bother fighting and still Run Away. Plus, you've got to admit that there are times when you can't remember what kind of shield Diamond Dog has or whether Shrooom! is more susceptible to PSI Fire or Freeze. If you don't have your EarthBound Player's Guide handy (which I never seem to), it's nice to be able to Spy on the enemy and find out valuable information on their stats. This could save your life, as you won't do something stupid like wind up and smack a really powerful enemy with PSI Starstorm, only to have it reflected back to your own party when you discover he's got a psychic power shield. Not a bad deal at all.

3) Two words: bottle rockets. Every good player realizes the value of having these powerful weapons in your arsenal, especially in boss encounters and towards the end of the game, when the enemies are fierce. While some might say that destroying a Your Sanctuary guardian entirely in one blow from a Multi-Bottle Rocket is lame and takes the fun out of the fight (and I can see your point), you also have to admit that when you're in a pinch -- Ness and Paula are unconscious, Poo's level is still kind of weak and Jeff's HP meter is scrolling down fast, and you still have a ways to go with the enemy -- finishing the fight right then and there with a bottle rocket blast can be a lifesaver and a relief. Plus, the Multi-Bottle Rocket has a neat sound effect. (On a somewhat related side note, it's also slightly amusing when you're bored while fighting through, say, the Desert Gold Mine, to take Big Bottle Rockets from Jeff's Goods and give them to other characters, and then have them try to Use the weapons outside of battle. You get some interesting statements like, "Ness could not use the Broken Pipe very well." Well, no kidding he couldn't, he's holding a Big Bottle Rocket! Rinse and repeat, and get a message about how Paula's having some trouble using the Broken Trumpet. Hey, it's funnier when you see it come up on the screen.)

4) Permit me two more words: Heavy Bazooka. This thing is one of my very favorite items in EarthBound -- it's just cool. Who doesn't like to line up a shot and attack an enemy in the middle of a row, as well as damaging the two foes on either side of him, Bomb-style? A fun weapon for Jeff, particularly for the brief time when a regular shot from the Heavy Bazooka does greater damage than his current equipped weapon, so you can use it all the time! You say he's a nerd, I say he's a nerd you don't wanna mess with.

While I'm on the subject: let's not forget that shy, brainy people are people too, and not nerds. I don't think of Jeff as a nerd, I think he's a pretty nifty kid (and I'm not just saying that because I'm smart, kind of shy and not particularly popular). He's a character with an interesting story and an interesting life, as well as a kind of mysterious past (who is his mother? Why hasn't his father seen him in 10 years? How long has he been at Snow Wood?) comparable to Poo's. And whoever doesn't think that his line at the end about how he wants to be the guy who fixes Ness and Paula's electrical appliances if they ever get hitched someday was a cute way to tie up whatever questions there might have been about the possibility of something going on between the two of them... well, I'm probably the only one that thinks that, so sue me! (Actually, please don't sue me, I'm a college student and that means I am broke. All you'll get is the amount of change sitting on top of my dresser, which at last count was somewhere around $1.75, so unless you can find yourself a good lawyer who'll work for about 25 cents, it's not worth your trouble. In fact, even then, it's still not worth your trouble.)

For those of you in the "Jeff is useless" camp, you're probably saying that because you prefer a Poo or Ness-like character with a combination of good physical attacks, strong offensive PSI abilities and helpful defensive assists. If you don't like Jeff, you probably don't like Paula either, or else you think Paula's great because of her deadly PSI attacks but you wish she was stronger physically or had higher HP. The truth is, both Ness and Poo have the potential to be great stand-alone characters, while Paula and Jeff complement each other. Paula has the offensive and defensive PSI, while Jeff boasts decent HP and a range of physical attacks. In essence, they're two halves of a very deadly force to be reckoned with.

It's my opinion that any suggested replacement for Jeff would have to at least have qualities and abilities similar to Jeff's, to even out the balance between PSI and physical attacks. I don't see how you could beat a laser-toting scientist-spy as a party member -- Jeff's just a really fun character to have along. Who else could crash the Sky Runner with such *ahem* grace? And while you may be saying that Jeff's weakness is his inability to use PSI, and that the game would be better with 4 PSI users instead of just 3, I suggest that it makes the game that much more challenging that one of the party members can't use PSI. Who wants to depend entirely on high-level PSI ability to make it through major battles? When you come upon foes with psychic power shields, it's neat to have a specialist in physical attacking among your ranks. Having Jeff along makes things different by providing a dimension of variety to battle gameplay, and if you take full advantage of all his different functions and talents, he proves to be a formidable warrior and a worthy Chosen One.

P.S. All other things aside, I would never think of replacing Jeff on the grounds that he is my absolute favorite character in all of EarthBound, for reasons both known and unknown. It's no secret that I think Jeff's just plain awesome, as nearly all of my EarthBound fanfics (including some of my favorite and best) star him as the principle character. Sure, maybe I project a lot of emotional depth into him sometimes, but hey, the way I see it, there's got to be something under that scientific exterior! Or maybe I'm just trying to identify with Jeff when I write about him. At any rate, all hail my fanfic muse and an all-around great character! :)

--PSI322





Wow. I think we have a very promising Mailbag-ing-person here. Keep up the good work! I hope you will continue to Mailbag in the future. ...pardon me? Why yes, Mailbag is a verb now. It makes a good interjection too, like when it’s eleven PM and you suddenly realize you were supposed to be doing Mailbag and you shout “MAILBAG!” usually followed by some less nice interjections. In any event, I’m glad you’re enjoying Mailbag! ...wait, did you say SLIGHTLY more fun? ...*sniff*

Turning a Broken Pipe into a Shield Killer truly is a godly skill. I tried it once, but all I made was an Even More Broken Pipe, which I understand is not that powerful a device. The bends and cracks are very interesting, though, and if you install it in your enemy’s house they’ll have plumbing problems! Now tell me that ain’t better than a lousy Shield Killer.

Nobody can deny that if anything, Jeff is worth it just for Bottle Rockets. It’s just truth. As for his piloting skills... er, well he made a really pretty hole, didn’t he? ...geez, even as I read your letter I have a feeling you shoulda’ won Letter of the Week, but I get the same feeling when I read Da Niznik’s and The Artist with the Name That’s Much Too Long. Well, just remember, LotW is just for fun. Mailbag’s all about getting your excellent ideas posted. Instead I’ll award you the Golden Pen of Awesomeness! What’s that, you ask? Well...your letter is gold! Poof! This has no effect and the ink will be gone by next week, so, um...enjoy it? Look, just pretend it’s an awesome award, I couldn’t come up with anything else. After all, Mailbag isn’t a contest anyway. Mailbag on!

~GiS

GiS,
Hmm, "Is Jeff useless?" That's a tough question. On one hand, he doesn't have any PSI abilities, but he's the only person who can use the cool items like bottle rockets, the HP Sucker, and the Slime generator. Also, he can repair the broken items to make a lot of the "Jeff-only" things. And, if you really are confident in everyone else's abilities, Jeff can check for weaknesses and items enemies have. But it still comes down to the fact that he is completely unable to use PSI.

So, after considering the possible choices, I think that he isn't useless, but in need of an upgrade. He seems like a touch of PSI, such as the abilities multiple characters can use (LifeUp, Healing, Fire, Thunder, etc.) but only up to at most beta level. Maybe even just a few alpha level PSI abilities to augment his technical skill.

Although, as it stands the game's PCs do form a pretty balanced force: Ness is strong and has a good balance between physical and PSI abilities, Paula has strong PSI despite weak physical abilities, Poo has strong PSI and (with the SoK) a strong attack ability, and Jeff rounds it out with pretty good physical ability and strong attacks via items. So, unlike in some RPGs, especially those with tons of characters, nobody, not even Jeff, is useless in EB, except maybe Pokey, but he leaves before he gets annoying to watch in battle.

--Drakenul





Pokey, useless? I would hack this game just to get Pokey to join my squad. Putrid Moldymen would flee at the stench of my party. Fear him very much. Oh, and I’d like to congratulate you on mentioning the HP Sucker. You’re the only person who brought it up. It was feeling lonely and insignificant.

~GiS

Well, Jeff isnt really useless. But...face it. EVERYONE has thought how the game would be great if someone BESIDES Jeff a member.

Here's who I came up with: Mega Mr. Saturn!
With Mr. Saturn Rage!

And Psi Saturn!
And...best of all...really hard to understand and annoying mindless babble!

You would meet him as soon as you came into Saturn Village. He would be chased by an army of badguys and destroy them, and then Ness would ask Paula if this was the new member who would help them. Paula would shrug.

(PS This time I will not kill myself by screaming if you choose my letter as letter of the week ;) )

Dr. Jelly Donut





Oh...you have me quite concerned. I had not realized that you were under previous implications to commit suicide. This is very serious. I do not think that awarding Letter of the Week to you this week is a good idea. The emotional shock may disrupt your delicate psyche. Oh, but do remember to thrill me with your reason next week, I’ll look forward to it!

~GiS

Oh dang, I wasn't sure if this was considered to be a silly or serious topic so I will just post a serious answer.

Jeff, a normal 13 year old boy (is he 13?) that is mature, yet immature in some ways. Immature you ask? well explain how he explains how his bed got covered in icky smelly stinky um stuff last night. When alone, Jeff studies. he studies hard. You see i kmow Jeff's secret life. He always thinks hes alone but HES WRONG. I will now uncover his secrets that determine wether he is geek or man.

Jeff seems smart. A little to smart. His knowledge is very helpful to the groupwhich makes him seem like a nice guy or mr popular. in second grade, Jeff's IQ reached 150 (thats higher then mine!!!) and was sent to dork school in dorksvania. The kids at his other school used to torment Jeff by calling him Nerd, dork, doofus, and dweed. Now Jeff is a hip-hop teen who is still "uncool" and is now useless to the group. why you ask? simple. I have been spying on him for sometime now (I have my reasons!) and every night, when Ness, Paula and Poo are all fantasi.. er i mean sleeping, Jeff, gets up, and reads. Thats all he does. He then goes to sleep knowing something new. Thats cheap man.Ness could easily do that every night(This also explains why he is so weak in combat.) The other reason that Jeff sucks is because of his lack of PP points. Thats right, PP stands for PeePee points, which jeff obviously uses at the wrong time, so he always gets up tired and weak from studying, and er sleeping for his 10 minutes.

As you can see, Jeff is not only a nerd, but a cheater! Giygas would be very ashamed to know this and the fact of Ness, Paula, And Poo knowing that Jeff cheated to save the world would also disapoint them. So Thats it for Jeff, he is a l-o-s-e-r. he is also s-t-u-p-um oh ya-i-d.

Oh yes we still need a new character but my letter is long enough as it is of now. So let just say Link from the Zelda series. at least LINK HAS PP POINTS....JEFF!!!!

--NintenDan





You know, when you think of it, Jeff isn’t all that smart. I mean, when he joins the group, his IQ is under 70. People under this number are, to say it nicely, mentally challenged. Thus I have reason to believe that Ness and Paula are geniuses, and their combined exposure threw Jeff off the edge. It all makes sense.

Link. You know what? That would own. He would of course use swords as his main weapons. He’d also be the only member of the group able to use items like the Fairy Bow, Bombs (hey, it fits so well!), the Boomerang, and such stuff. He’d equip different caps for Other, his Gauntlets under arm, and all the different tunics for Body. Now, PSI. Well, his chief magic attacks would be Din’s Fire, Faerore’s Wind, and Nayru’s Love. But as PSI attacks? Ooh, what if they were special items with awesome effects that deducted Jeff’s PP points? Din’s Fire would do fire-based damage to all enemies, Faerore’s Wind would act as a fully stationary Teleport, and Nayru’s Love a cheap PSI Shield Beta. There’s a lot of potential hackability here...

~GiS

And now, it's time for:

DA FOO'S INCESSANT RAMBLINGS!
Today's topic:
Is Jeff useless? If so, who would you replace him with? Detail please.

I don't think Jeff was useless. Think about it: he made the Baddeest Gaia Beam, (one of the strongest weapons in the game,) he's the only one that can use the Super Bombs and Bottle Rockets, and he invents stuff using garbage. Overnight. Without the use of drugs, or caffiene. Now, THAT's impressive.

Allow me to go into detail:

1.) Jeff is one of the first male people to "permanently" join Ness' party, desreguarding Ness himself.

2.) Jeff is a highly intellectual individual, and implimented the use of the Sky Runner when Poo was not in the group to use PSI Teleport Alpha. Had he not been there, Ness would have to go up to Level 73 or so just to get to Summers for the first time.

3.) *insert reason here*

4.) His father invented the means of transportation to go into the past to defeat Giygas.

5.) His father transferred their brain waves into the robot shells so they could defeat Giygas.

6.) I like Jeff, because he uses Bombs, and Fireworks. And who doesn't like fire?

7.) He lives in a freaking Boarding School. Have pity on him, dang it.

I mean, heck, if I thought Jeff was useless, do you think I'd use a recolored Jeff as an avatar?




My Avatar

I have that much respect for him. And considering he's fictional, too, that not only says I'm crazy, but it says that you should be impressed too. Now, if you don't mind, the men in white suits are going to take me away. *dragged away by GuyInSummers in a white coat*

--Da Foo





Hmm. You sure do like your HTML. It also seems that many of the reasons Jeff doesn’t suck is because of his dad. Oh, and I highly doubt Jeff doesn’t use caffeine. In fact, I bet Jeff keeps three cans of Coke in his pockets at all times. That’s why when he got badly stabbed by a Manly Fish, Ness thought Jeff was dying because his blood was streaming and fizzy. As for drugs...well, we won’t get into that issue yet. Jeff’s still an innocent little kid, you know. An innocent, alien-mangling bomb-constructing bottle rocket-lauching arse-thumping little kid.

~GiS

I can think of at least three good reasons for Jeff's continued existence.

1) God forbid any RPG should ever lack the "Character who can't use magic/PSI/superpowers but has special skills that make up for it." It's the law that Jeff has to exist or else EB stops being an RPG.

2) Given the above point of his lack in PSI, Jeff has a naturally high HP level to make up for it. This makes excellent cannon fodder for enemy attacks, such as PSI Freeze, that you wouldn't want to hit other party members, such as Paula.

3) Two words: Hyper Bazooka.

The defence rests.

--SimonBob





Dude! Hyper Bazooka?! I’ve played through EarthBound about a hundred times, and I’ve never seen the Hyper Bazooka! Please, please tell me how to get this awesome item! Does it hit all enemies or something? It must be ten times better than the Heavy Bazooka, don’t you think? (angry silent stare) Hey, that’s what I thought too!

~GiS

What the heck kind of question is that? How could a genius nerd be useless? If he was a geek who just sat at his computer trying to hack into the IRS database, I guess he'd be useless, but instead, he repairs broken items/transportaion, uses really powerful items (all the different types of bottle rockes), and he can find an enemy's weakness in battle.

I guess if Jeff had to be replaced, they could use Dr. Andonuts or Maxwell Labs in his place, but I don't think the newspaper headlines would sound as good if they said "World saved by three kids and some weird old guy."

--LousySpy





Sure, the newspaper coolness quotient would have to make some sacrifices, but think about it!

Dr. Andonuts threw the Razor Donut!

312 damage to the Bionic Kraken!
299 damage to the Final Starman!
The Squatter Demon dodged swifty!
Homer Simpson ate the Donut!
Dr. Andonuts went into a corner to cry...
Dr. Andonuts is crying uncontrollably!

~GiS

Jeff? Uhhhh.....oh!! You mean the Geeky Multi-Bottle-Rocket Launching Device! The one that can't use PSI!!

Of course he's useless!

Now, who should we replace him with?...........Hmmmm...It's gotta be someone with some PSI, or else we're all doomed. And, he or she should be able to use the aforementioned explosives, or else we wouldn't have the joy of pyrotechnics....

Let's make our character a cross between many different games and platforms. I think it should be a "he", since it fits with Buzz Buzz's prophecy of the chosen ones. Give him blonde hair, the same character recognition that Mario has, a high speed rating, have him "borrow" Squall's gunblade, and have super powerful PSI with super low PP costs. And we'll call him, Nick. Or maybe RJ.

Hmmmm......Perhaps that's a little too powerful. How could we make the game more challenging?........I know! Let's make him wear a dorky suit and glasses, give him a lasergun, take away his PSI, and call him Jeff!

Wait! What was the topic again?

--Crono





Nick? An awesome blond speedster with PSI and explosive control, and you’d name him Nick. How about the name Count Fredrik JoHanson-Avery McGinnister Von Steinsbach the Seventh, Esquire? ...then again, that might not fit into the little HP / PP status boxes. What a shame. Let’s call him Al instead.

Dorky suit? Glasses? Laser? No PSI? The only person I can think of is Q from James Bond fame. ...AT LAST! It’s finally revealed! Q is Jeff! ...hmm, I smell ideas for Apple of Enlightment.

~GiS

I'm sorry Jeff, but you have been declared almost usless. So we have had to hire a replacement. Who you ask? Here he is now. Jeff Andonuts, meet your replacement, a Swiss quadraplegic man on a donkey and a midget in a bikini. Well they are more qualified. Now calm down don't make me call security. *You'll have to come with us kid.* Yes struggle all you want, it just makes him squeeze tighter. Now get him out of him. You have 3 minutes.....

--Heartbreak Kid





Tell me, what PSI does the midget have? ‘cuz if he has anything involving penguins, he’s hired. As long as they’re cute and fuzzy penguins. Ugly penguins need not apply.

~GiS

Bonjour GiS! Just thought I'd throw in a little Summerian French for everyone, and to tell you this is my first mailbag letter . . . or something. On with the show!

I think I'll go with the unpopular opinion (or so I think) that Jeff is actually a worthwhile character. I know what you are doing after hearing that. Jaw is dropped, tongue out, eyes crossed, spinny hat on . . . err, don't ask. Anyway, there are too may good things about Jeff that everyone fails to realize. I'll point them out right here.

1) Jeff can use bottle rockets. OK, so this one is controversial to me. I really do not like to use bottle rockets of any kind. They just make the game too . . . easy. It's a lot more fun trying to beat the game without an "Instantly beat the boss and then go 'WOOHOO YEAH!'" item. It's just stupid when you can shoot a multi-bottle rocket at Starman Deluxe and just beat him like that. And how cheap they are, when you look at how much money you get from a boss and enemies in the dungeon compared to the 2,000 some dollar cost of a multi-bottle rocket. It's cheap, both monetarily and gameiologically. (Is that a word?)

2) Jeff has a fairly good set of stats. OK, so he isn't Richard Simmons or anything, wait, who would want to be R. Simmons anyway? In any case, like I said, he isn't the strongest, but he's still pretty good. He has middling HP compared to the rest of the party, good defense when you give him good items, and one of the highest attacks. Sure, it doesn't match Ness's until pretty far into the game, but he is still worth using when you have the first three characters only. Sure, he's a little slow, but what genius has time to work out? I know I don't! He isn't that bad. He has a balanced set, much like Paula's amazing psychic abilities vs. her low HP, or Poo's good all around but bad attack w/o sword of kings (well, not THAT bad, but still lacking, much like Paula). Anyway, there ARE good things about Jeff's stats.

3) He can spy. I bet you didn't see that coming. Hey, it really doesn't help at all against Giygas, but it's worth mentioning, right? Only Jeff can do it. Only Jeff can find the Attack and Defense of the Enemy while everyone else it dying. It's amazing!

4) He has amazing weapons when they are fixed. OK, sure, laugh at me. Go ahead. I dare you. Let's just look at what he gets later on that really is helpful. Well, actually, looking here in the strategy guide, I only find two. Oh well! I do not know if anyone else agrees, but I sure think the defense shower is helpful. I used it during many bosses to up my defense and let the others murder the boss, because whether or not Jeff attacked didn't make much difference with amazing PSI stuff going on. It's not that bad of a weapon, and then there is the Heavy Bazooka. Ladies and Gentleman, children of all ages, this is what gives Jeff the best attack in the game: the heavy bazooka. Look at this, Jeff can do close to 300 HP damage to any enemy, and then hit others too. It's simply amazing! Only Ness could match this, but then again, Ness can only hit one enemy. If you think the heavy bazooka is worthless, you are a piece of worthless protoplasm. (Oops, I'll be banned from sending in Mailbag letters for 3 months for saying that one.) There is no reason why you should not agree that the heavy bazooka is the most amazing weapon in the game.

5) He can be used as a healer. OK, now this one may be iffy. I've only beaten the game once, and I don't remember actually if I used Jeff for this, but I thought of it now. Once I got to Stonehenge, I found I always ran out of PP halfway through, and it bugged me (this was AFTER I got the Sword of Kings, man was THAT fun. o_O). So I figured "Hey, if Ness has 200 Grand, he can afford a whole bunch of Brain Food Lunches, I don't care if he wants 'em or not!" So, with that, I filled up just about every slot that I could with Brain Food Lunches. Man, was that a great idea. Not only did it restore PP, but also HP! Wow, what a discovery! Even if I had just Paula, Ness, and Poo eat them and then use Ness to Life-up Jeff, it still worked out well. See, you can give Jeff whatever you desire, and when you are low on HP/PP in a boss, he can give it a nice little boost, if you work it right. It's not all that effective, but hey, it's better than no recovery, or Paula/Poo wasting a turn eating one themselves, right?

See, if there was no "Jeff" or Jeff like character, the game just wouldn't be the same. You need someone who is better at physical attacks to add some variety. If they were all PSI gods, what fun would that be? That's why Ness's PP isn't amazing till the end of the game. You just need Jeff to balance out the game. Anyway, who doesn't love waiting for Jeff's IQ to go up so you can see the next thing he'll repair? Well, maybe that one is just something I like, but I'm sure someone will agree with me (I hope). Jeff is good in normal battles because he can attack multiple enemies forever, without the worry of dropping PP, and he is good in boss battles as an attacker sometimes, but moreso as a "Defender" as I might do, a "Chef" to feed Brain Food, or even as a kid obsessed with Bottle Rockets, like my next door neighbor! :: shudder :: Well, I think I've given you a good enough reason to appriciate Jeff for the rest of your LIFE. If you don't, oh well, go ahead, but you'll get yours. Just ask all of the worthless protoplasm in the game. It'll tell you all about what happened.

Adieu, GiS and mailbag!

--Da Niznik





Salut, et bienvenue à le Mailbag de Starmen.net! Je tu espère serai avec nous pendant longtemps! ...you said you speak French, right? Cool, thought so.

Let me tell you right now, the first time I read over your letter, I thought you had to be reid or Guruzeth or Shakespeare or something. Your letter was that good! I sincerely hope you will continue writing to us here at Starmen.net; we always appreciate the new additions to our already formidable lineup of Mailbaggers.

Gameiologically may not be a word, but it sure fits. Jeff + Bottle Rockets = dominate. You are very right, there are times when it just makes things so easy, but I’m one of those evil people who takes no shame into forking out my extra change for a Multi-Bottle Rocket and taking it up to a Coil Snake, and unleashing all heck onto it. Buahaha! ...actually, now that I think of it, the Department Store Spook was one of the ONLY bosses I’ve ever used Bottle Rockets on. Otherwise I just commit acts of fatal overkill. Whee!

Come to think of it, that reminds me of a valuable trivia question. When I first came to the site, I considered using the name “Department Store Mook” for my name in some contest. The thing is, I can’t remember if I finally decided to use that name. And then, about a year later, I was browsing the archives and I came across that name – but I also think I saw it under some contest I never entered. So I ask of you, is there a Department Store Mook out there? And if so, remember, you got the idea for your name by absorbing my brain frequencies. Really.

Oh, and you need not worry about getting blasted out of Mailbag for calling somebody a Worthless Protoplasm. I believe I once called somebody a “sniveling, marker-sniffing foolish IQ-draining pudding-brained insignificant (ahem)-kissing (cough)-(yikes)ing God (dang) (crud)-devouring nauseating oxygen-sucking intestinal-parasitical waste of primordial ooze.” So, ‘Worthless Protoplasm” is just fine with me.

~GiS

Awww Jeff's not useless! He keeps the water full in the water beds at the hotels.

Oh wait, that's not water. :D

--KindarSpirit





It’s no wonder Jeff has this habit, with all the Cokes he drinks to stay awake.

~GiS

Jeff isn't useless in general, but he does lack some "required" skills. The fact that he doesn't have any PSI power is drawback, but he makes up for it with his bottle rockets. Jeff's bottle rockets are useful for damage as well as getting rid of some extra money. The bottle rockets should have "of Doom" or "of the Dead" behind it... they are that lethal. Personally, I think Picky's the worst "help" in the game, but its good considering that Pokey does jack.

--5238901





How can one deny that anything with “of Doom” behind it rules? Bottle Rocket of Doom, Bomb of Doom...Ness of Doom, Your Sanctuary of Doom, Overcoming Shyness of Doom, Death Ray of Doom, Cookie of Doom, Cave of the Past of Doom, Doom of Doom, Doom Doom... hey, that reminds me of my favorite song! Do you know what that is? It’s the Doom Song! I’m going to sing the Doom Song now!

Doom, doom, do do do doom, do do do doom, do doom. Doom doom do do doom doom, doom doom doom do doom. Doom doom do doom doom. Do dodo do doom, doom doom doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, do do do doom, do do do doom, do doom. Doom doom do do doom doom, doom doom doom do doom. Doom doom do doom doom. Do dodo do doom, doom doom doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, do do do doom, do do do doom, do doom. Doom doom do do doom doom, doom doom doom do doom. Doom doom do doom doom. Do dodo do doom, doom doom doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, do do do doom, do do do doom, do doom. Doom doom do do doom doom, doom doom doom do doom. Doom doom do doom doom. Do dodo do doom, doom doom doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, do do do doom, do do do doom, do doom. Doom doom do do doom doom, doom doom doom do doom. Doom doom do doom doom. Do dodo do doom, doom doom doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, do do do doom, do do do doom, do doom. Doom doom do do doom doom, doom doom doom do doom. Doom doom do doom doom. Do dodo do doom, doom doom doom, doom, doom. Do doomy doomy doom, do doomy doom y y y y do doomy doomy doomy DOOM! ...do.

~GiS

I would replace Jeff with an anti-tank gun cause then u could just blow up all of the enemys and the sharks would just run.

--Stephen





“A bee I am not. Your attention please, my young masters. There is little time, but I must fully explain the lore of the ages. In the future, all is devastation. The tales tell the story of two boys, a girl, and an army-class B high-velocity anti-tank machine gun battery.”

Maybe it’s me, but I don’t really think that has the same ring to it. I can however picture the box cover...Poo slashing down a Starman army, Paula gripping Ness’s arm in fear as Ness mows down a hoard of enemies with his giant weapon...yup, high-quality children’s entertainment.

~GiS

NOW we’re talking! That was just plain cool. PSI322 and Da Niznik, two very new members of our quaint little Mailbag, have shown themselves as incredible writers. Zeth (aka The Man with the Golden Pen and Really Pain in the Arse Name) has dominated for the third time in a row, and by the way, he rules. And everybody else was just plain phenomenal. Possibly the best round of responses ever. Interestingly, I was expecting everybody to say “Jeff sucks” and create all kinds of insane characters. Instead, a hoard of psyched Jeff fanatics rushed the stage, hogtied me, and shoved me in a closet with ransom. Excellent! Truly excellent! You have truly helped Mailbag. And Lord GuyInSummers rewards his helpers. All kinds of fun are in store for the coming season! Peace out, everybody.