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What if Ness was a gigantic green dinosaur? - by H. Armored Hamster

What if Ness was a gigantic green dinosaur?

Sometimes, a mind will ask a certain question that start with the words "What if..." While you're walking through life or while you're playing through Earthbound, strange "What if..." scenarios have a tendency to barge into your mind without knocking first. In my last play through of Earthbound I encountered one doozey of a what if scenario, one that's been bothering me for awhile, one I do not believe has ever been covered before. What if Ness was a gigantic green dinosaur?

Now, obviously, ness being a gigantic green dinosaur would make the game Earthbound incredibly different. In order for this scenario to play out, first let's say that the size of the Nessasaurus (called Ness for short) is about equal to the height of Dungeon Man, albeit a bit skinner. The first question that would come into play would be how Ness's parents would deal with the birth/raising of the Nessasaurus. It could be that Ness' mother wasn't quite telling his father the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or it could be that they found the Nessasaurus floating down a river in a basket. Of course, the Nessasurus could simply be Tracey's pet Dinosaur in a Clifford type manner-in which case Tracey would probably wind up joining your team and becoming an integral part of the story. For the sake of argument, let's say that Ness' parents found the Nessasaurus floating down a river in a basket.

Before we go any further, let's look into some of the mechanics of Earthbound if Ness was a gigantic green dinosaur. First, Ness would probably simply use his claws for weapons instead of baseball bats. After all, it wouldn't really make much sense for the Nessasaurus to carry a large bat because it would have to be really, really, really big. To top things off, the Nessasaurus's arms aren't very long in overall proportion to it's body, so it would not to be able to swing it efficiently enough to warrant using as a weapon-unless said baseball bat was 'corrected' for short arm length by being even ridiculously longer. Dinosaurs weren't particularly bright and some even had two brains-one to keep the tail in order, so I don't think Ness would have any psychic attacks. However, he might earn special attack options besides "Bash" like "Big Chomp" or "Teeth Drill" through battle, but I think that’s a low possibility due to it being sort of out of the battle style. Finally, from a mechanical point of view, Ness being a gigantic dinosaur would make it difficult to navigate the world map-look how far Dungeon Man actually got to go before finding himself stuck! There would probably be a story event early on where Buzz-Buzz teaches the Nessasaurus an ability to shrink down to regular Chosen Four size, but be able to revert to his really really big form during battles for stomping purposes. This would be a necessary event because otherwise the Nessasurus would be unable to get the eight melodies.

Another big difference would be that the relationship between Paula and Ness would be a little bit different. Let me explain. In the classification of living organisms, there is a system that goes a little like this (From largest to smallest): Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Familly, Group, Species, and Variety. (A good way to remember this for biology class is the sentence "Koalas pollinate car ovens frequently," Good song Vic!) Now, scientific law dictates that only members that both belong to the same species can reproduce and create an offspring. Now, I can assure you that humans and Nessasurus do not belong to the same species. Thusly there would be no attraction between the two although it’s possible that some forms of love between the two would exist. There might be the kind of love that an owner feels for a pet, but that's strictly the limit of emotion Paula and Nessasurus could ever feel for each other. This would leave the door wide open for Paula to develop emotions for the other male humans on the team- the timid Jeff and the ladies' man Poo. Of course, Paula is a girl of integrity and would go for Jeff's substance over Poo's incredibly attractive body.

Nessasaurus might be downplayed a little bit as a character. Ness the human wouldn’t frighten anybody or really look out of place due to the fact that he’s an average human. Nessasurus on the other hand is a gigantic green dinosaur and may have a tendency to frighten the citizens of town. Tracey would probably dress up the Nessasurus in some of her clothing so that Ness wouldn't look quite as shocking to the other citizens-A disguise, if you will. Paula would probably lead the party due to the Nessasurus' low intelligence and short attention span.

Another thing about the Nessasurus is the nature of the character Pokey. Now, I think that just about anybody who has ever been a child has known a bully or another kid that was just plain mean and obnoxious. Pokey acts as a rival and as a bully to Ness the human but unfortunately, the usefulness of his character would be rather thin if Ness was a gigantic green dinosaur. I however believe there is a remedy for this. You know how Pokey eventually becomes a minion of Giygas, and in the end of the game, you wind up battling the chump? Well...In the Earthbound universe, all current levels of time travel technology cannot sustain living organisms-only robots. The only reason why Pokey got around this is his heavily armored spider mech. Maybe, instead of Giygas giving Pokey the spider mech, Giygas implants Pokey's mind into a gigantic robotic silver dinosaur's, aptly named the Pokeysaurus. This way, at the end of the game, Nessasurus would have a suiting rival to battle.

Ness being a dinosaur could also open up some new potential plot lines. For example, dinosaurs and monkeys have never co-existed in the same place, same time before. The contact between the Nessasurus and the monkeys in Telah Ramah's caverns would be a social barrier never before faced. Maybe the monkeys wouldn't allow you to pass by, even after giving the certain items, due to prejudice against dinosaurs and the Nessasurus would be forced to somehow find a way to earn the trust of the monkeys. Maybe the underworld Tendas would regard the Nessasaurus as some sort of diety?

The What if scenario of Ness being a gigantic dinosaur is a very complicated field of study, one of which Earthbound enthusiasts will doubtlessly study for decades to come, finding all the nuances of detail this what if would involve. I am very proud to be the leader of the pack in "WINWAGGD" (What if Ness was a Gigantic Green Dinosaur) theories and explanations and hope that someday the Starmen.net community will bind together and create a 3D recreation of Earthbound, this time featuring the loveable Nessasurus. Until then, let us brainstorm the uncharted depths of knowledge the WINWAGGD case certainly holds.


Other Submissions by H. Armored Hamster

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H. Armored Hamster Gadzooks!
A Modern day Terror!
11/11/05 0.00

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