From the ashened questions we let burn out, Pheen-X tries to bring these questions back to life, with an inferno of answers. This week's question, who exactly is The Gift Man. I'm not going to deny the fact, space and holiday figures...I was never an A student in. So once again, I required some...expert like help from a fellow colleuge by the name of Terluna. Though, we were never true "friends" (Sort of a Fire and Ice Combo).
"You seriously don't know the story of Gift Man? HA! And you call yourself a theorist!" That was just the begining of what she had to tell me, but who's the theorist here? I'll just summarize what she told me.
It all started on the Moon crater village of Duoliyt. A baby, alien, crature, robot(I didn't really pay attention to her at this point, we'll just say baby) was gravitally summoned from below the moon by a strange gravity device created by another strange creature of the same species in a robo-spirit form.
"Waaa!" Cried the formerly named...uh...Bim.
"Ah quiet, you have a job to do kid, and everyone knows crying on this job is an absolute no go!" Said the robo-spirit.
"You do know you're talking to a baby right?" Bim replied.
"You do know you're a talking baby right?"
"Touche, can we move this along so I can get dressed? The moon is freezing!"
"Very well. You were destined to take my place as the universes Gift Delivery Man!"
"Wait, isn't that job for that Santa-"
"Ah ah ah! We don't need any lawsuits thank you. Besides, that old fat man doesn't even know what the kids truly want now a days."
"Chocolate covered cherry balls?"
"NO! EARTHBOUND STUPID, EARTHBOUND!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who's telling a baby about a universaly wide job...speaking of which, are you dead?"
"Duh, moon people die as spirit cyborgs.
"So...is the job dangerous?"
"N-no."
"Then how'd you-"
"Angry mothers...they apparently don't like the fact of giving kids video games...or flesh eating-"
"OKAY OKAY I GET IT! But why me?"
"Cuz I said so, so here's your bag of games, a pocket of virii, and a map of the universe, so-"
"Wait...does it have to be the universe, that red suit guy has a bad enough time traveling Earth, and you said he fails his job as it is."
"Good po-wait a sec. Why don't we show that guy up. I want you to go and give those poor kids what they REALLY deserve. The good get rewarded, and the bad aren't given black rocks that only encourage their behavior, nah, they get what's really coming to them."
"Whatever, can I just get dressed now?"
"No, you must take a bath now...with my pet kangaroos."
"...dude, what's wrong with you?"
"Well I'm dead for one thing, and a baby has to take my place for another thing. So you gonna listen to me, or do I have to blast you with my supreme spirit lazer?"
"FINE! YEESH, get off my back freak." With no help, the baby Bim climbed out of the crater into the bath, wondering where the kangaroos were. He got his answers when a moonwind blew an invisible blanket in front of the tub, revelaing chained kangaroos.
"What the-"
"Good luck Sucker!" With those words, a bag was tossed into the tub, and the roos flew off with the screaming baby, never for the spirit to be heard of again. It was the first delivery...that left to the rarity of Earthbound, he was only a baby, what do you expect?
Of course, he soon grew to enjoy that tub (yet strangely never used it AS a tub) and more kids were able to enjoy a good copy of Earthbound...sort of. He never knew how to get in the houses half of the time, and he made sure there was never a Silent night, so there was still a high rarity for the amazing game.
And with that...Terluna is giving me one heck of an evil eye.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THAT'S NOTHING WHAT I TOL-MPHH" Ductape, so many friendly uses, like stopping the reminder of a butchering. And with that thought in mind, another question is sent into...a crashing flame. This is Pheen-X saying, HAPPY HOLIDAYS :P