News:

THeory - by Ostricho

Ness was bored. He turned on the TV to see what was on the news.
“Hello, viewers, I’m Rob E. Squash, the news reporter for local Twoson, and we’re here in Summers to discover what started this Eagleland-wide sensation: Magic Cake!”
“Oh, yeah! I remember eating that stuff!” Ness exclaimed. “Now I want to know what was in that stuff!”
“Here’s the young woman who bakes Magic Cake.” A twenty-two year old blushed and waved at the camera.
“What’s the secret ingredient?” asked Rob E. Squash.
“Oh, dear, um, I guess I can tell you, but you have to promise that my husband isn’t watching the television.”
Rob E. Squash looked confused. “Alright then,” he said. “Kirk the camera-man will run down and check. Now for a commercial break.”
Ness was astounded as he watched commercials for Escargot Express and their new motto: ‘Fast as Slugs!”
“Okay, we’re back on air. Your husband is not watching the television right now.”
“Alright,” said the woman. “It all started when I… cheated on my husband… with a New Age Retro Hippie…”
Kirk the camera-man started howling in laughter. The woman and Rob glared at him as he fell to the ground with the camera. All that could be seen on the TV for one minute was rolling, the sidewalk, and sounds of shouting.
Kirk finally got back up. “As I was saying,” the woman said, “he gave me a… um… a gift.”
“What was it?”
“I’ll tell you, but you HAVE TO PROMISE that the police forces aren’t watching this news report right now.”
Another commercial break ran through, this time, showing off “Tour the Lost Underworld for only $9,001! It’s Jurassic Park all over again!”
“We’re back on air,” said Rob.
“Okay,” said the woman. “The gift was… er… his “special powder…”
Kirk fell down laughing again. Rob, the woman, and Ness were all getting quite annoyed.
When he got back up, the woman continued. “Well, one day I decided to bake cake. So, when I went to get the flour, I mistook the “special powder” as flour… and thus Magic Cake was born…”
“How did you learn of its dream-inducing qualities?”
“Okay, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise that the little boy named Ness isn’t watching television right now…”
“Why bother! Ha! Little kids like him are home playing Nintendo games right now!”
“If you insist… but anyway… I decided to test out the new cake on him, because I knew he wouldn’t put up a fight. He was a wimpy little boy! It’s not like his puny little girlfriend or his nerd buddy would’ve done anything, either.”
One use of Teleport Beta, and Ness was standing behind the woman.
“Hi, friend,” Ness said, and the woman turned around and screamed.
“You… you heard all that?” the woman stammered.
Ness nodded his head. “But it’s okay… I just wanted you to know I might’ve killed your boyfriend…”


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