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Theories Topic for February 10, 2014:

Tessie seems friendly; why doesn't she show up when the researchers are watching?


Theory of the Week:

No respect, Tessie thought to herself. Those darn peeping toms. Can't an aquatic reptilian lady get her peace around here? From the under the water, Tessie swam, going to and fro, swooping delicately against the bottom of the lake, sending waves of disturbed sand particles floating upwards. A salmon swam by undisturbed; Tessie snatched it and swallowed it whole. On any other day, Tessie would've eaten grass from the lake shore. She was actually a kindhearted creature to her underwater neighbors. But she couldn't- no, wouldn't dare reveal herself to those detestable scientists.

"I'm looking for my fifteen minutes of fame," one of them had said to the strange glasses boy who had arrived with the monkey just the previous evening. They didn't want to see her for her grace. They wanted to see her for the money. To send her off to a zoo. Tessie didn't want that. She wanted to swim free; to let life take her wherever she wanted. She had once had a nightmare of wading a pool of water not much larger than herself in a long hallway, forced to be a spectacle of mankind. It was the worst dream she had ever had.

"I need to get across the lake," the glasses boy had explained to the researchers while struggling to swallow their wafer-thin soup. The scientists had nothing to offer. They probably didn't care. They wanted to see Tessie's face, and they wanted to sell photographs. That was downright invasion of privacy.

It was morning now. The glasses boy sat on the small isthmus where Tessie had once munched her favorite flowers. The leaves were blowing in the wind. Didn't the researchers say she would come out when it was windy? What a weak theory. Wait- what's this? The glasses boy had just given the monkey a piece of chewing gum. A natural animal lover- who would've guessed? The monkey chattered and blew a bubble. It floated off the air, like bubble black magic. The boy looking onward longingly as the monkey floated in the air above the lake.

In truth, the monkey had probably been considering airlifting the glasses boy across the lake, but in that moment, Tessie took pity on the poor boy. She slowly lifted out of the water, and a loud collective gasp was heard from the researchers. The boy's eyes grew wide from behind his glasses, and he hopped on her back. She felt a new feeling of compassion she had never known before. Behind her, the cameras of the researchers snapped and snapped, but at that point, Tessie didn't care much any more.

Once Tessie made it to the other side of the lake, the glasses boy and the monkey stepped off her back. Tessie knew her secret was out now- Tessie, the beast of Lake Tess, with proof in pictures. But before Tessie floated away, Jeff spoke up.

"Tessie," he said. "My name's Jeff. Thank you for the help." Tessie was touched.

At that moment, Jeff pulled large wads of camera film from his pockets.

"I removed it from their cameras while they were asleep. May the secret live on. Thank you, Tessie. Thank you very much."

Tessie's smile was genuine rather than stifled as she descended into the water again. She hoped to meet glasses boy- er, Jeff- again in the future.

-- Ostricho


Science Kills:

I believe Tessie didn't show itself to the researchers because of the way Tessie's cousin Nessie (Loch Ness Monster) was treated. Tessie saw that when Nessie was discovered it attracted people from around the world trying to study and possibly capture Nessie for profit. The humans, must've captured Nessie and studied it intently. However, in the process of studying Nessie and taking samples, they must've destroyed the bones. This can possibly be supported by the fact that in Fourside, all of the bones in the museum are replicas Tessie, being an intelligent animal understood that humans were the cause of this and vowed not to get close to humans seeing the danger they posed to her. Also, it also can be proven because of the hotel employee who bought the wrong newspaper in Twoson, the headline was about Tessie and Nessie being cousins. Also, you don't ever see any of Tessie's other relatives assuming they didn't die off from natural causes which could mean they were also captured by scientists.

However, when Jeff came along, she saw how Jeff treated Bubble Monkey by giving him a piece of gum. So when Bubble Monkey called her, she trusted Jeff enough to allow him to ride her across the waters.

-- JoseD1397


Oh no, evil? D:

I think the reason that Tessie didn't come up is for one of two reasons.

The first option is that she simply didn't want to be seen, but the Bubble Monkey made her surface somehow. Maybe they were friends before? Who knows.

The second and considerably more fun theory is that Tessie actually isn't friendly at all, and is a treacherous man-eater! Jeff is only about 13, so the people looking for Tessie didn't want to tell a young boy that they were hunting a devious monster! She might be EVIL! Also, the game is rated T (and E on SNES), so Tessie didn't want to show her true power on screen. Maybe it happens in the background?

Well, there's my first theory!

-- gooieooie


That flash is scary, you know:

Tessie is really, truly, and simply, camera shy. This is evident, because she only appears after the photo man shows up, takes a picture, and leaves.

I mean, all she wanted to do was hang out and talk with people, but they just insisted on taking her picture. Perhaps it's the flash? Maybe it's the thought of being immortalized on a sheet of paper forever? No one knows...

-- Mystical_Chocolate


Paparazzi:

From what we have seen of her, Tessie only revealed herself to the Bubble Monkey and Jeff. Tessie seems friendly enough so why won't she let herself be seen by the researchers? How would you feel knowing that if you show yourself around a certain group of people, they would photograph your every move and attempt to research you? Tessie is most likely scared of the research group.

The Tessie watching club is composed of scientists attempting to research the sightings of Tessie. Though they never actually see her (somehow) they are vigilantly watching and waiting for her to show herself. Tessie is shy and quite possibly scared of these people. They are trying to capture her every movement on film and expose her existence to the world.

The lady is just afraid of her whole life bing exposed and honestly, who can blame her? Who wouldn't try to avoid paparazzi trying to capture you in every waking moment of the day? Wouldn't that make you a bit nervous to leave home? It doesn't matter how friendly or nice you are when someone has made it their lives goal to study you. So keep on hiding Tessie! Though you have appeared a few times for Ness and the crew, they somehow sill haven't noticed you.

-- Drew Diesel


Such sympathy:

Animals are very prone to sensing emotions – so I wouldn’t be surprised if Tessie is affected by that sort of thing, and, considering that she is an animal, she would probably have the instincts of one, too. It’s obvious that she’s made people aware of her presence, or otherwise the researches wouldn’t be there in the first place! She probably picked up on the researchers’ sense of anticipation – and so began to anticipate herself, keeping hidden for fear that the unusual strength of the emotion meant that there might be a large predatory creature nearby. She only revealed herself to Jeff because she picked up on his desperation, and came to his aid as a result.

Bubble Monkey had nothing to do with Tessie’s summoning – he just wanted more gum and believed that he could fly!

-- Laevateinn


The internet is vicious:

Early in the lifespan of Youtube, amidst the videos of cats playing various percussion instruments and obese children waving broomsticks around while humming the theme from Skyrim, a little-known video went viral.

Originally, it was only of a blurry video of a lake off the southern coast of Winters. A hulking behemoth rising its long and graceful neck out of the water and looking down on the recorder with watery eyes. This caught the imagination of the public by storm and soon people began to flock to the coast. Of course, this creature was Tessie, (or Humidum Colopidae as she's now known in more scholarly circles) and she was incredibly vain.

At first the attention was well received as she'd make several shows a day, rising majestically above the water, swimming and bobbing gracefully, and balancing monkeys on her head. But, unfortunately for Tessie, she had always wanted to be a singer.

So, on one beautiful and crisp Winter's morning, Tessie rose to the smiling faces (and camera-phones) of hundreds of her fans. She cleared her long and elegant throat and began to sing. The song, while in tune underwater, turned out to be extremely screechy and irritating to a less aquatic atmosphere. The lyrics, while poetic to Tessie's imagination, were just a bit too self-serving and as one eye-witness described it, "Emo" for the general populous to enjoy for very long.

While Tessie was only slightly embarrased by the poor reception, it was Youtube's tireless work of humiliating people (and aquatic dinosaurs) who have already embarassed themselves. Hundreds of videos of her song appeared, with titles ranging from "Tessie's Song" to "lol dum dino cnta singg". This, Tessie would later tell a documentary crew filming, "Loch Ness' Cousin", wouldn't have been the worst of it, if not for the autotuners, which took her lyrics and twisted them around, both melodically and lyrically, to make a song about how much she liked pie. And then, after the autotuner songs, came the acoustic covers, the techno remixes, and several dubstep renditions that actually sound truer to the original than one would expect.

And so, while hundreds flock to the shore every year to see the grand Tessie in her pre-mammilian beauty, she refuses to leave her sub-aquatic home, save for the company of a lone gum-obsessed monkey who's antics which first appeared on StupidVideos.com are best left for another day.

-- Rabid Dog


Long lost friends:

This week's theory was based around Tessie and how she won't show up when the Tessie Watchers are watching. We know that when Jeff sleeps at the Tessie Watching Club in Winters, Tessie appears the next morning with the winds blowing to carry Jeff and Bubble Monkey to the Brickroad dungeon. So why did she choose to show up at that time instead of throughout the day, when the watchers are watching?

The only explanation I can think of is that Tessie and Bubble Monkey have a strong bond with each other. The first encounter with Tessie is when Jeff goes to Lake Tess with Bubble Monkey to get to the other side of the lake. Jeff gave Bubble Monkey a piece of gum which he used to float over to where Tessie was. And Tessie calmly floated up from the water, allowing the monkey and Jeff to progress the game.

I think that Bubble Monkey is the one who discovered Tessie. However, as time progressed, Bubble Monkey was parted from Tessie and taken into the hands of the shop outside of Snow Wood. So at the time, Bubble Monkey and Tessie were left alone. Without each other. That's why Tessie was too scared to show herself to the Tessie Watchers, she lost everything she once loved so all her self-esteem disappeared. Bubble Monkey then eagerly went with Jeff to Lake Tess after he had the pak of gum.

And I know Bubble Monkey was eager to go. That's why he keeps pausing and looking around when walking with Jeff, he's quickly scouting for his lost best friend. And that's why when later in the game, Bubble Monkey willingly leaves his wife to go "play" with Tessie along the shores of Lake Tess. And that's why Tessie assists Bubble Monkey, because they missed each other and would do anything for one-another.

So a quick rundown:

  • Tessie and Bubble Monkey are friends forever
  • They got separated as time progressed
  • Tessie lost her self-esteem and drowned (heh heh) in her sorrows
  • Bubble Monkey meets Jeff and eagerly runs to Tessie
  • Bubble Monkey then leaves his wife to see Tessie, when Ness and co. go to Stonehenge

There's my Tessie theory :)

-- SwiftWaffles


The handsomest scientist:

Tessie, a report by Dr. Andonuts

"This is it."

Sebastian, a member of the Tessie-Watcher's Club, looked outward toward the lake. Swearing this was the day, the daring researcher was sick of waiting. No - not just sick, Sebastian was dying. Dying to see the beautiful, mythical sea creature; the fabled Tessie. His plan leaped into motion. Sebastian would see Tessie by any means possible, and so, he went to Dr. Andonuts' lab.

"So, Doctor, you're sure this machine will do the trick?" Sebastian was skeptical as he took the device.

"Indeed. This device, the 'Brings-Out-Any-Tessie' Machine, or 'B.O.A.T.' is sure to bring out any Tessies definitely, no-questions asked or your money back," I, the ultra-attractive Dr. Andonuts, boasted modestly. "I would know--after all, I am a great scientist with a handsome mustache."

"Yes, you are handsome and very fashionable and also not losing your hair." Sebastian said, thanking the very beautiful professor all the ladies love.

With these words, and the dashing professor still in his thoughts, Sebastian set off toward the lake with the B.O.A.T.

"Right. So I just set this down here..." Sebastian thought to himself, placing the device into the water. "Man, that professor sure does build a mean machine, and with such modesty!"

The device activated quickly. Its speakers blasted a gorgeous melody sung by the ultra-talented professor that would draw any living creature to it:

♫~ Dr. Andonuts ~♫
♫~ Is the greatest of them all ~♫
♫~ Dr. Andonuts ~♫
♫~ Oh, so handsome, charming and tall ~♫

The melody continued blaring as the device went closer to the center of the lake, and sure enough, as I ingeniously predicted, Tessie's head came quickly out of the water.

♫~ Dr. Andonuts ~♫
♫~ Is so worldly, and so wise ~♫
♫~ Dr. Andonuts ~♫
♫~ Has such gorgeous shining eyes ~♫

Fire filled Tessie's eyes, hearing the song. Tessie smashed the machine that the ingenious, expert professor spent his time to masterfully create, and went back into the water, trying to cover her ears to hide her embarrassment.

Now, I have many theories as to why the monster may have done this. This creature's behavior resembles that of all of the lovesick gorgeous babes that I, the dapper and personable Dr. Andonuts, have met in my lifetime.

Thus, it leads to the only explanation I, in my worldly wisdom, have for the creature's irrational behavior in destroying the machine that sent the cherubic sound of my voice. Tessie hides under the lake, awaiting the day where she will once again hear my beautiful radiant vocal chords; forever longing for me to return this emotion we call "love."

-- BB Gang Zombie


All a-twitter:

Many ask why Tessie hides from the eyes of mankind, but rest assured, there is a reason behind this. A year before Jeff requested the ferry service of this glorious creature, a group of researchers came to Winters, in hope to finally find the discovery of a lifetime. Apparently, there was a large lake in the middle of town that inhabited the famous Tessie, a lavender aquatic beast. However, the general public made it out to be mere folklore. So, these researchers, all with the utmost confidence in the monster’s existence, left behind their lives in hopes to prove it.

Before they had set up their camp, Tessie hid in the thick morning fog that rested on top of the gentle waters, curious about the commotion from the northern shore. She spotted a group of men talking amongst themselves as they set up tents on the white ground. She edged slightly closer, fascinated by these strange creatures; of course, she knew what a human was, but never before had she seen one up close. The humans were too focused on setting up camp, none noticed the long purple neck that hung from the deep mist.

Tessie’s beady black eyes scanned the shore, watching with fascination, until they halted to an abrupt stop. There, she saw another human, but he was different than his colleagues, or at least in Tessie’s eyes. When she saw this particular individual, her heart skipped a beat and she swooned. He wore a matching tan outfit, complete with a hat of identical color, which covered his bare skin. For some reason or another, Tessie knew then that she fell in love with this particular NPC.

Suddenly, her crush jerked his head to the water, staring into the fog. With a gasp, she dove into the lake, her heart racing. Many thoughts raced in her head: Did he see me? Did he notice I was watching him? Did he like me too, or does he think I’m weird?

Unable to restrain her curiosity, she slowly rose to the water’s surface, just barely revealing the top of her head. She spotted the human camp, but they were in a frantic state. Men were running about, gathering equipment as others shouted orders to one another. A small group stood at the banks, gripping binoculars to their eyes as they searched the lake; one of those men was him, the one she loved. Upon seeing this, Tessie returned deep into the lake, new thoughts bombarding her mind: He’s looking for me! Is it because he’s mad or does he want to be with me, too?

Tessie’s nerves got the better of her and deep into Lake Tess she remained for a long time. Every now and then, she peeked from the water’s surface when it was buried deep in fog, but there he was. The man who made her heart flutter had not budged a single inch and continued to search the waters. So, each time, Tessie would return to the near bottom of the lake, her heart pounding. Around him, she felt as shy as a Tenda. Would she ever have the nerve to directly approach this man or would she forever be in hiding? After all, love is a strange and wondrous thing.

-- CerealQueen


True facts by an infallible researcher:

What? Why has no one ever seen Tessie who's tried to look for her? THAT'S your "big-ticket" question?

Well. I thought everyone knew the answer to this one, but I guess I was wrong.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Doctor Wally Zedonin, and I am a xenobiologist specializing in strange fauna...Hmm, what was that? What am I a doctor of?

...Well, I'm not really a doctor, I just sort of... call myself that.

That question was a bit presumptuous, I think. Could you not ask tricky stuff like that? Thanks.

Anyway, basically what I do is study all of the strange fauna of the world. A lot of people have a tendency to dismiss my work and lump me in with people like those crazy conspiracy theorists who like to claim that aliens visited the Earth back in 199X, but I can tell you that I take my work a lot more seriously than those crackpots. I have lots of information that is waaaay more well-researched than anything those guys have come up with. For example, did you know that there is a race of tiny green people living below the Earth's crust?

...

Okay. Perhaps that was not the best way to convince you of my research's validity. But it is true, I swear. They call themselves the Tendas. For millions of years, they lived undisturbed, untouched by human contact. Only recently have they begun to... what?

How is this related to Tessie, you ask? Have some patience, okay? Calm down. I'm getting there. Jeez.

Where was I? The Tendas. Right. A long time ago, they underwent a schism. The reasons for this schism appear to be related to their social skills -- most of the Tendas who were shy stayed in a cave above ground, whereas the more outspoken of the species moved underground. How the shy Tendas managed to reproduce is one of the great mysteries of our time.

At one point, I believe, one of the shy Tendas got fed up with living below ground and never being able to see the sun. So he decided to dig his way out. However, the underground Tenda encampment was located several miles below the Earth's crust, and the Tendas possessed only very rudimentary digging technology. The process of digging up from under the Earth would have taken many thousands of years. The Tendas are an ancient race, however, and if we consider this event to have taken place long ago, the timeline does match up. Actually, that's one of the great mysteries of xeno--you're tapping your wrist. What does that mean? Oh, you have to go soon? Okay, I'll try to speed things along here.

So anyway, original Tenda dies, but his descendants keep on digging. Thousands of years pass, and they reach the surface. But they didn't dig in a very smart way. Instead of digging a spiral staircase, which would have led them somewhere directly above their underground cave, it is my personal belief that they dug a very shallow staircase straight on, so that where they surfaced was actually very far away from their original location. In fact, I believe it to have been somewhere in what today forms Winters.

Ah, I see you perked up at the name "Winters." That's right. That's where Tessie lives.

I believe that at this point, most of the underground Tendas had given up on the project, resigning themselves to a life without sun. In fact, they may have formed some sort of hatred of the sun, and none would dare venture into the tunnel to the surface.

None, that is, except one.

Why are you looking at me like that? Do you think I'm making this up on the spot? Sir, I assure you that this is the result of YEARS of xenobiological research and intense study! If you don't want to believe me, then I guess you don't need to hear the end of the theory. I'll just be going now.

Oh? You DO want to hear the end of my theory? Will you acknowledge me as a legitimate historian?

All right, all right, fine. I'll finish telling you the story -- I mean, theory.

No Tenda would dare venture into the tunnel to the surface -- none, that is, except one.

This Tenda -- a descendant of the original sun-loving Tenda, perhaps -- was the only one willing to go and reach the surface. And when he did, it was amazing. The sun warmed his pale green skin, and he knew that it was good. But he also knew that he could tell no one about his experience, or else they would burn him at the stake. Or something. Probably. Because... they hated the sun, remember? Right, okay, anyway.

He surfaces, and the year is 1878. That's the year, you'll notice, that the first Tessie sightings begin to appear. Now, I need to take a break from this story and tell you a different one for a bit. No, stop complaining! It's really short.

I take it you're familiar with the great scientist, Jeff Andonuts? Inventor of the Gaia Beam? Yes? All right. And you've heard of his father, I'm sure, the great Dr. Andonuts, inventor of the Instant Revitalizing Device. There's a tradition of scientific ingenuity in that family. And Dr. Andonuts' great-grandfather was the one who started it. Cornelius Andonuts, born in 1845, was so far ahead of his time that most people considered him to be a common stage magician. In fact, he made some discoveries that no one else has been able to replicate to this day. Some say they find that a bit suspect, and claim that he was actually just a magician. But I think he was on to something.

Cornelius's signature invention was what he called "A Device to Reverse Polarity of Realistic Elements," or what most xenohistorians... what? Yes, that's a real term. Shh. What most xenohistorians call the "Oppositional Beam." The power of the Oppositional Beam was that it could convert any object into its exact opposite. Cornelius continued to tinker with it into his old age, but he never quite perfected it.

Cornelius had a reputation for being quite eccentric. He always needed something new to test out his invention on, but he was never willing to test it on himself. The thing about the Oppositional Beam was that, once it had been used on something, it could not be used to reverse the changes that it had wrought. So he was always looking for new test subjects, but he had trouble finding people willing to be turned into their exact opposite. The device would even reverse people's personalities, you see, and most people had trouble with that for some reason, even if he assured them that they would be much improved afterwards.

Now, the Tenda didn't know about any of this. Not Cornelius's reputation, not his invention, not his constant search for new test subjects. What he did know was that he was hungry. And when he saw a building with a delicious smell coming out of it, he was drawn to it.

He happened to walk in on Cornelius Andonuts eating lunch. His lunch that day was some imported German sauerkraut -- we know this because he wrote everything down -- which smelled delicious to the Tenda, as Tendas have an affinity for all things "kraut."

Cornelius offered the starving Tenda a deal -- he would share some of his lunch with him if he would let Andonuts test his invention on him, just once. The Tenda, likely thinking with his stomach rather than his brain, agreed to this, and was soon lounging on the floor with his stomach full of sauerkraut. Cornelius then reminded him of his end of the bargain. The Tenda begrudgingly agreed, although too late he noted that he had never asked what the device actually did. But by then Cornelius already had the device pointed at him.

There was a bright flash.

The first thing that he noticed after the flash was that the room smelled TERRIBLE. How had he ever thought that this sauerkraut smelled good?

The next thing that he noticed, as his eyes adjusted, was that Cornelius Andonuts looked very, very small.

Cornelius asked him how he was feeling. He tried to respond, but his words seemed to catch on his tongue. He suddenly realized how different he felt from before. He felt... shy? What a strange feeling!

He tried to convey this to Cornelius, but was having trouble communicating his feelings. Suddenly he glanced down at his hand... which wasn't a hand anymore. Nor was it green.

He looked down at himself and realized that he was all of a sudden a giant, purple sea creature. And he was shy. And he hated sauerkraut. And, he realized to his horror, he was a girl.

Tessie fainted.

When she came to, she was floating in the middle of Lake Tess, Cornelius having dragged her there after fearing that she had suffocated in the air. Actually, I believe, Tessie can breathe air, like a whale. But Cornelius didn't know that.

Tessie looked over to the shore, and suddenly noticed a crowd of people staring at her with binoculars. Due to her newfound shyness, she felt extremely embarassed, and quickly hid under the water.

And no one has ever seen her again.

Well.

Some people -- the same people who talk about the 199X alien invasion -- claim that a young boy from Winters was able to make friends with the beast. But I wouldn't trust a thing they say.

-- broomweed


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