Theories topic for the week of March 28 - April 4, 2012:

The Onett Police force seems a little... weird. Why would they beat up on a little 12 year old boy? Is there more to this than meets the eye?

Theory of the Week:

In the game Earthbound, players may wonder why Captain Strong and his cops took Ness to the back of the station to beat him up. The answer is quite complicated.

It all began on the night the meteorite landed on top of the hill at Onett. The cops had set up roadblocks for one sole reason.

Ness talked to the cop about the roadblock, and the cops said, “We’re going for the world record!” When Ness left the scene, the cops became VERY suspicious. They hid inside the tree next to the meteorite waiting for Ness to return. The first thing that happened was Picky Minch walking up the way.

“MAYDAY!” screamed Captain Strong, and tranquilized him before he realized what was happening. Embarrassed, Strong laid Picky on the other side of the tree, and climbed back in.

Eventually Ness returned with some chubby kid. They walked over to Picky and shook him awake (a cop nearly sneezed, and almost blew their cover). Suddenly, a beam of light shot down on the meteorite, and what was CLEARLY a robotic spy drone appeared. They chatted for a bit and went down the way, and one of cops broke into hysterics: “SPY! SPPPPPYYYY!!! THEY WANT THE DEMISE OF EAGLELAND!!!!!”

Later, the cops were just walking around, setting up roadblocks, when Strong peeped over the fence behind the arcade. That same boy was knocking some sense into Onett’s most wanted, Frank Fly! It was clear to Captain Strong what was going on.

“He’s leading a rebellion,” he said to the other cops. “He’s going to gain the support of the citizens for beating up Frank, and using his spy drones, he’ll take over Onett, and probably even BANISH MAYOR PIRKLE.”

It wasn’t until the cops saw him inside a NO TRESPASSING area known as Giant Step that they decided to beat him senseless and end Ness’s dirty deeds.

The trap was set. The cops had told Ness to come to the police station. Then, they would take him to the back, beat the daylights out of him, and throw him in his brand-new jail cell.

Captain Strong walked Ness to the back of the station, and ordered his five finest cops. “We’ll end this rebellious spy child once and for all.”

The cops were blasted with psychic energy and beaten half to death with a baseball bat, the cops backed off.

And sure enough, a while later, the aliens and evil creatures that Ness had surely ordered from the spy drone took over Onett and forced everyone to stay indoors.

The cops knew this was all Ness’s fault.

- Ostricho

AmateurGamer and his aluminum hat:

Why did the Onett Police Force try to take out Ness? It’s simple, really. I mean, we all know who the real culprits were all along, did we not? That’s right, Aloysius and Lardna Minch! It may seem a little crazy at first, but consider these particular lines:

First off, if you enter the Minch house during your first investigation of the meteorite incident, you can talk to Picky. He will mention that his parents are currently in town, leaving him and Pokey at home. Now, what could Aloysius and Lardna possibly be doing during a visit to town in the middle of the night? Sounds pretty suspicious, eh? To further add to this suspicion, Aloysius also mentions that he is tired of Ness and his family living next door, as well as implies that he has loaned Ness’s family a lot of money, and is tired of it.

Interesting… So, we know that the Minch family, or at the very least Aloysius, definitely wanted Ness and his family out of the picture. And they also took a secret visit to town, that very night before Ness was attacked by Captain Strong and his squad! Therefore, I believe it is safe to say that Aloysius could have possibly made a “corrupt bargain” of sorts, with the neighborhood crooked politician, who we know as none other than B.H. Pirkle! Think about it: In exchange for votes, money, or perhaps a combination of both, Aloysius Minch convinced the shady mayor of Onett to have the Police Force come after Ness, in a horrifying attempt to get rid of him, once and for all. The whole “Giant Step and destroyed Entertainer’s shack” thing was just a set-up to make it look like an accident, or perhaps blame the incident on the Sharks; that’s why Pirkle had the key to the shack in the first place! Now, my friend, you know the truth about the inner workings of politics.

- AmateurGamer

Bovine Growth Hormones:

Well, if you’ve been looking at the height of kids these days… it’s hard to say whether they knew he was a kid or not. He very well could have been rather tall and could have easily been mistaken as an adult.

That, or they saw the police force in that sweet game they were playing, Earthbound, I do believe… And decided it was a good idea to try to beat up a kid with their sweet moves.

- biehlza

The world is a game. They're just the midboss:

The policeman knew that Ness could be killled or hurt past Onett so they faced him as passege of rite,to see if a PSI

powered boy could fight the evils out of Onett. He got passed giant step but there were more powerful things out there and if Ness were to die they were gonna have a lawsuit on their hands and Ness's dad had power so that was a promise or Ness's dad told the policeforce to fight Ness and see if he was ready.

- Landyn

Wait you're saying people get POSSESSED in this game :OOOOO :

Voices, possibly the Mani Mani. We know that Giygas set a minion at each Sanctuary and Ness needs to recapture these locations and their ‘Power of Earth’. Maybe with Giygas controlling this section of the Earth he used the Mani Mani to manipulate the police officers [and creatures in general] and/or transmit a command to stop Ness.

Once Ness took back Big Step the Mani Mani’s control was lessened but still lingered and so, maybe with one final push from Mani Mani, the police went through with the command to attack Ness. Shown in the battle they still seem to have some control since one knew he was in trouble and fled.

- PKMechaMinawa

Shroomin' and Doomin':

Simple: They were on mushrooms. They’ve all been guarding the southern border of Onett; surely they’ve come across a Ramblin’ Mushroom or two. Of course, their police hats cover the tell-tale mushrooms on their heads.

Our only solace is that they had no access to the mushrooms of Tanetane island. Heaven help Onett if that ever happens… “Alright, men, we have a critical mission to take out all of Onett’s mailboxes…”

- Rhyselinn

Vote Pirkle/Giygas 2016:

After Ness returns from Giant Step, he is swiftly greeted by a member of the Onett Police force and is told to report down to the station immediately. The reason being that Ness was trespassing the Traveling Entertainers' Shack, which was locked.

Do you remember who gave Ness the key to open the shack, though? It was B.H. Pirkle, Mayor of Onett. Before Ness left for Giant Step, the Mayor told Ness that he couldn't be held responsible for anything that happened to him, should he give him the key. Ness probably thought the Mayor was referring to his safety, since he was heading to a cave with attacking mice and slugs. But perhaps Mayor Pirkle gave Ness the key knowing very well that he would get in trouble with the police for trespassing! And Pirkle wouldn't be held liable, either, since Ness gave Pirkle his word that he wouldn't.

Now although Ness wasn't brought into custody, he was told to go down to the station. He had no idea what was in store for him, though, as Captain Strong's best men were there to fight him! And even after Ness beat them all, Strong himself attacked! So the question is, why would the entire Police Force attack a 12-year old kid? Certainly not for trespassing, I hope! (This is still America, after all. I assume the police don't beat people up for trespassing.)

Now, pretty much the only time someone attacked Ness was if they were under the control of Giygas. Buzz Buzz told Ness that even animals would fall under the influence of him, as well as some weak-minded people. Who knows? Maybe B.H. Pirkle was being controlled by Giygas at that point in time, and he told the police force that they needed to stop Ness from getting to Twoson. A mayor does have more power than the police, so he could have easily manipulated them into doing what he wanted (or what Giygas wanted). And even if Pirkle didn't directly attack Ness, he still influenced others to do the work for him, which is exactly what Giygas was doing (at least until the very end when he has to face Ness himself). But really, the only one who really desired to stop Ness from saving the world was Giygas, and he used people and things on Earth to try and keep Ness from pressing on.

But this would prove to be a meager and pitiful attempt to stop him, though. Ness easily defeated 5 cops and continued on towards saving humanity.

- NorthOfOnett

Only the best cops beat up fat headed children:

From blockades and ridiculous reasons for them, the Onett Police Force are pretty unpredictable and outlandish as usual. They are rude, brash men, even showing fits of lazy; especially telling YOU, a CHILD, to restrain your fat neighbor! What's the deal?? I nominate them for Worst Police Force In Eagleland. Is it the fault of Onett's rather bulbous mayor Pirkle; or Strongbad himself? The bottom line is, the OPF are just lazy, arrogant jerks in general. Not to mention, cowardly. (I bet you thought you were going to collapse from lack of HP from that last Policeman? Hah! You lucked out!)

The cops of Onett live simple lives. Their humble home of these men is right next to the Bakery! Bett you didn't notice that! The Bakery is a revolving door of bored Onett cops circling in and out, eating the day away while continuing to blockade the roads every time a little girl skins her knee on her way to Twoson. Boring, boring boring. They have to deal with Pokey being naughty as usual, of course; thieving from the bakery, pulling cruel pranks on the residents, just being a fat little twerp in general. What's a small-town cop to do?

Then one fateful night, everything changed for all the residents in town. People began acting strangely, the Sharks were running amok, and things were just in utter chaos! But, voices spoke in the cops' heads. They were told that a new, exciting thing to take care of was coming along! An opportunity to prove that they were the Best Cops In The Country! All they had to do was rid of a strange local boy wearing a red hat. He possessed a power that this ordinary town didn't want! The voice spoke to them in velvety tones. They would do it. Yes. Even at the most drastic of measures. The town was slowly being brainwashed to turn against one another. All the people, all the animals. The cops would put a stop to this nonsense!

And thus, that fateful afternoon when a little boy with a baseball bat and strange powers ventured into the police station... The day to prove themselves.

- Aangie



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