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Theories Topic for the week of August 29 - September 12, 2012:

You ever wonder where the presents enemies leave behind come from? Well wonder no more, because you guys told me!


Theory of the Week:

Manly Fish looked his brother in the eye, and they raced to the window.
"What day is it!?" yelled Manly Fish. "Why, it's inoffensive-nonreligious-Nintendo-holiday-that-totally-isn't-Christmas Day!" yelled Manly Fish's Neighbor's Second Cousin. The two children scrambled downstairs, smiling brightly. Under the mucky swamp, a mountain of presents was waiting for them...! Manly Fish's Mother scolded the two boys for being so hasty to open their gifts, and sent them with two bag lunches on a journey they would never forget. You see, on inoffensive-nonreligious-Nintendo-holiday-that-totally-isn't-Christmas Day, Not-Santa Fish leaves gifts for all of the good little monsters in the center of the swamp, buried under leaves with each child's name written on them.

And so, their journey began.

It started the same as the holiday had been each year before it. The two boys walked through the trees, east of the pencil-shaped rock, and through the meadow. "What do you think we got this year?" Manly Fish asked. "I bet we got a train set! Or maybe Oprah left us a new car!" Excitedly theorizing what would be in that luxurious gift, the two boys reached a clearing. "Let's break for lunch here," said Manly Fish's Brother. They ate Pepperidge Farm Goldfish for lunch, and it was delicious and there was nothing wrong with that.

Continuing on the path, the boys saw other little beasts awaiting their free gifts. "We must be close," Manly Fish exclaimed. And they were--closer than they could even imagine. Suddenly, a bear jumped out. It roared, nearing closer and closer... and then waved to the boys. Just a Mighty Bear, only 7 years old, getting his gift too.

Finally, they reached their destination. A shimmering leaf with the boys' names on it. Lifting the leaf, the two took their gifts. However, as all monsters know, if you open the gift before you get home, a kid will come and hit you with a bat, so they begun walking home.

Suddenly, dark clouds brewed in the air, and in an overly cliché manner, lightning and thunder tore through the skies. The two boys gathered their gifts and scrambled for home, running as fast as they could... then the rain started. The fish began struggling to avoid drowning in the flood, but then remembered they were fish. Swimming home safely, their mother welcomed them. But Manly Fish's gift wasn't waterproof... "It's ruined..." Manly Fish held back sobs. "Ruined." The camera panned up dramatically, revealing the whole Earth. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Manly Fish screamed, dismayed about his gift.

And so, as a memorial of this grave day, random encounters carry gifts to offer to the Storm Not-God-Because-This-Is-A-1990's-Nintendo-Game.

- BB Gang Zombie


If you give a Starman Super a sword, he'll want to slice you up:

The creatures of Earthbound weren't always evil. Many a child in Eagleland feels like those in our own world about animals. Mice are cute and might be kept as pets. Snakes are a favorite of fearless children, and crows are looked up to by brooding kids dressed all in black who write poetry that contains lines like "I suffer through kindness and revel in despair." It is only through Giygas' influence that these creatures have come to be the antagonistic monsters that they are in Earthbound.

This being the case, it's no surprise that a number of heartwarming children's books about animals were published by a rather popular author of Eagleland. (If you ask at the front desk, I'm sure the Onett librarian would be happy to direct you to the children's section.) Each of these books regards the consequences of giving a particular species of animal a particular gift.

Most of these consequences are funny, charming, or adventurous. "If you give a dog a bread roll," one of them begins, "he's going to want some butter to go with it." It continues with "If you give him some butter, he'll be reminded of the dairy that he grew up on. He'll want to go for a visit."

Any number of these children's books exist. Some are more popular than others, depending on the fauna in those books and how it corresponds to certain areas of the world. ("If You Give A Great Crested Booka Beef Jerky" is my personal favorite.) But there is a universal constant, and that is the love that children have for these books.

As such, it has become something of an expected part of childhood in Eagleland for a boy or girl to seek out the creature from their favorite book, corresponding gift in hand (in a gift box decorated with stickers, ribbons, and marker drawings no less), in the hopes of experiencing the adventure promised by the author. Unfortunately, no child has ever found this to be true.

The creatures of Eagleland are no more intelligent than the animals of our own world, and as such, take these gifts out of the influence of an instinct that says "Horde everything you can. You may need it to survive." Though most creatures never have found anything to do with the trinkets and food that reverent children offer. Prior to Giygas' influence, every Ramblin Mushroom in Twoson had a hefty horde of ketchup packets.

It was only after Giygas influenced the minds of these creatures that they gained the intelligence and understanding to see the benefit of carrying such items with them. In their drive to attack and cause havoc, why wouldn't a mouse carry one or two bombs from its collection? Why wouldn't a gruff goat carry a salt packet, when he might come upon some healing item that required proper seasoning at any moment?

It is for this reason that the creatures in Earthbound carry unusual gifts. It is also for this reason that exterminators in Eagleland are often called upon to join the Fourside Police Department's Bomb Squad.

- Emily


Pheen-X Emblem: Dawn of Radiance:

From the ashened questions we let burn out, Pheen-X tries to bring these questions back to life, with an inferno of answers. This week's question, Why do the various bad guys in the series have presents? Now, this troubled me myself due to the fact I'm one of those, "beat with a various variety of blunt objects" ask questions later kinda person, so...easy to see the complications. Luckily though, I have an ally from the enemy field able to help me out. .....Unfourtuantly he's on vacation in the Bahamas (thanks a lot Amp) so I'm gonna have to wing it, errr I mean, go upon my past research.
It all started when I decided to take up an exterminator internship. We were doing our job before I grabbed a plank and beat down a rat. That rat dropped a bomb, so my questions started to arise (and my internship ended...it's a long story for another day). This question stuck with me for a long time (3 days).
The question rerose after I crashed my bike into a crow and soon found a cookie in front of me (such a rip off.....darn oatmeal raisin). Even weirder was how it had the change to pay for my repair bill. It only got weirder from their the more I traveled (and this was just to go to the store for crying out loud).
So onto the basic concept, why did they have these. Well, whose to say, they weren't on their own adventure? Maybe these creatures were actually human before Giygas arrived. I believe Giygas had an ability able to change others into different shapes, forms and beings. Now it'd be asked, why didn't it take effect on everyone? Well, there's a specific reason. The towns that contained the melodies were protected by the music in order to hear the shifting spell of Giygas. Which means, the only ones shifted were already traveling.
Now it's becoming more obvious isn't it? Those "presents" you're getting are actually their former supplies. Those travellers may of had a specific quest....or maybe just was out camping, I dunno, I just know they had bad cookies. But those unfortunate travelers got hit with the spell, which explains not only their shape, but also their reactions towards Ness.
So to sum up all matters, near every enemy you come across was a former explorer/quester/hobo on the run. And their supplies, are the presents you take after whoopin them senseless.
And so, another question can be left to ignite an explosive flame. This is Pheen-X saying....I gotta write a looooooot of apology letters now.

- firej7


Is it Frankenberry?:

People of the EarthBound world commonly wonder why enemies carry such odd items. Where did this bomb come from? How about this sword? Did you steal that pizza?
The answer behind the mystery: Giygas. He easily collected all these items together and gave them to some of his minions.
“Take good care of it,” he had said. “They will be useful when the time comes.”
“What time?” they would ask.
“Just hold it dear with your life. I have a master plan and I need you to hold it. I trust you.”
With this, his minions did what he asked, feeling proud. Master Giygas had given them an important job, directly. Surely, their master would be proud of them.

Now, what his minions did not realize was the fact that he had no plan. You see, Giygas’ heart became cold due to the prior game and he longer needed love, rather, he craved death. He knew Ness and his friends would make it to him and he never thought his minions would be able to stop him. True, they were able to slow the four down, but defeating the enemies only made them stronger. If they had never had a battle and fought Giygas then, surely he would win. Yet, he did not want that. Giygas wanted to die. He knew they could easily avoid his minions, but he gave them items to lure them in, so they would fight to get even stronger. He wanted to insure his death.
True, this was a sacrifice of his minions, but he did not care. At the same time, his twisted thoughts craved death and he enjoyed even his followers dying. He would smile when the bat bashed their head in or if one caught on fire. He became so twisted his body gave in and he became nothing but a thick red mist of death.
The enemies did not know this, so they guarded the item with their lives. Those sneaky crows like to eat their item, a Cookie. They constantly stole other items to compensate, but Giygas was most glad to see these crows die. He hated them.
Ness did exactly as Giygas wanted, even if he did not think so. He went after the prize, even if it meant killing a living weaker being in the process. Ness and his friends went on to kill Giygas, just as he wanted.
Enemies died in the process, all because of these items, but who is the real monster?
- CerealQueen


Aww, the most polite wall of text:

Well this may be an exceptionally short little tidbit, but I thought I'd share my thoughts. That's kind of a difficult one, where do these creatures get presents? I mean, I guess we can ignore the aliens having presents because, well, they're aliens they can basically get away with anything and we couldn't really question it, huh? The contents of the presents are also kind of strange. I do kind of get why a crow would have a cookie because I have seen crows and other birds picking up food off the ground (although I've never seen one pick up an entire cookie). Then there's the presents containing bombs and such. I've decided that since these games are usually quite silly in ways such as this, I will give a silly explanation. My explanation is that someone somewhere was having a birthday party and had many gifts that were filled with everything from cookies to lethal substances and all the games' enemies raided the party and stole the gifts. Some of these gifts also ended up scattered around the worlds. Well that may sound just completely stupid, but that's what I think anyway. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

- CaptnOctibbles


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