STARMEN.NET - Mailbag

This Week's Topic:

The topic for this week's Mailbag was:

Catharsis for Demanding Videogamers - Nintendo's had enough of psycho EB fans demanding Mother 1+2&3 every month, so bring your angry "WE WANT M3" demands here instead. You tell me your demands, and I'll give you more than just a form letter advising you to subscribe to Nintendo Power!

Alright, we've got some bad examples of how to write to Nintendo. But that's okay, as I enjoy responding to the bad ones more! I don't have any kind of corporate ethical standard to uphold, so I can tear into them all I want! Rip, rip, shred. Let's do it.

STATE CAPITALS:

OMG I ALL EMAILED NINTENDORKS AND I WAS LIEK 'HEY N00BS RELEAZE MOTH 3 OR FEEL MY WRATH, BOOM HEAD SHOT, THERE IS NO SPOON ROFL LOL' AM I RITE!!?!!1

- Nesskid

Here's the perfect example of a bad letter to send, kids. Spelling mistakes? Check. Bad grammar? Double-check. CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR SKY RUNNERS? Checkmate. The only problem is it's a little too perfect. I suspect that Nesskid is simply yanking my chain! But there's no way to be sure, so I'll just refuse to acknowledge him. Next!

--- SimonBob

Minus five points for lowercase:

who do you think the main character of mother three is?

could it be ninten? you never did see his true hair color in mother 1!

- Ness's Nightmare

Sure we did - in the clay models. Heh heh heh.

I originally thought Flint was gonna be the main character, but based on the screenshots we've gotten, it looks like Boney the dog is our big protagonist. He's even got his own stat box in the battle scene! I wonder if he'll be able to climb ropes? (Ask a hacker why that's funny.)

--- SimonBob

Local Eyes:

Considering the Mother 3 petition some years back, and how Itoi recognizes the english-speaking mother fans of the world, I think there is a chance, even only slightly, that he'll have put a language selection feature in Mother 3. It would have taken a while, sure, but he does seem to show recognition towards us, which is something at least.

- Nosis

That'd be nice, huh? But localizing an RPG isn't just translating everything into English; it's also things like taking the cigarettes away from the crows and erasing the crosses from the hospitals. That stuff takes time!

--- SimonBob

EarthBound Plays YOU:

Threat letters have always been a little too cliché and those that carried bombs were always a little...messy (it also reminds me of that day where I "acidentally" sent one to an orphanarium)

The way to go is a good old simple "trade" with Shigesato Itoi. But now you are probably saying "What doth thou hast that Itoi wants." So here's how to get his interest.

1) Steal [lunch] from little kid.
2) Trade [lunch] from a homeless guy for his [coat].
3) Extract [vodka] from vodka-drenched coat.
4) Exchange [vodka] with a Russian Ambassador for a [ticket to Russia]
5) In Russia, exchange [coat] for [meeting with the president (or whoever's in charge at the moment]
6) Convince president to attack Japan and assist [thus free trip to Japan]
7) Convince Russian army General that Itoi's Mother serie is actually the story of the good old Motherland.
8) Russian will force Itoi to translate the game in Russian!

Okay....so the game will have a russian release, problem solved!

Now we only need to learn Russian instead of Japanese!

- Slashmire (Not the guy that gave you a pink umbrella in #earthbound)

I dunno, man. Russia's pretty cold, and I'm from Canada. I know cold. Good vodka tho, so we could definitely convince Tomato to go up there. I wonder if Russian is harder to learn than Japanese? Do we even have any Russian videogamers at the site? Hmm.

--- SimonBob

Official Site Position Declaration:

Hey, I'm very excited for Mother 3 and hopefully plan to get it around the release date. My only concern is that I won't be able to read it, thus not knowing what will be going on in the game (kind of like Mother 1 for me when I imported Mother 1+2).

Will Starmen.net have a guide of any kind leading fans to the end of the game while knowing the story is about? I know there was something on here one time that lead people to a certain point in EB everyday until they finished the game. Thanks!

- NintendoLord

You are correct, sir! Every summer we run the EB Funktastic GamePlay event, where everybody plays EB at roughly the same pace over the course of a month. The thing is, we started that back in 2001 because a lot of people hadn't played EB in a long time, and we had to get back in the game! (Woo, site slogans!)

On the other hand, we're not sure if Mother 3's going to come out in English, and we wouldn't want to ruin it for anyone who was waiting for it if it did by posting information about the Japanese version in advance. So our official position is this: after April 20th, the info will be available to those who want it, such as importers like yourself. But we won't go mega-crazy with telling everyone all about what it's like until we're reasonably certain it wouldn't be coming out over here anyway. Basically, if there's no announcement by the fall, then we'll commence with in-depth translations and guides and stuff like that. But we're really hoping we won't have to do that.

--- SimonBob

One Two Three:

Dear Not-Nintendo,

WE WANT MOTHER 3

Demand list:

1. Release Simonbob for GBA

2. Release Mother 3

3. Give reidman's pants back.

Okay, okay, no.

reid's pants must be preserved for future generations. Wasn't my decision. Talk to Xodnizel.

--- SimonBob

Your name is so last year.:

Soooo Simon Bob, how are you? Me? Oh, I'm fine, I was just wondering what YOU think the chances are of Mother 3 coming to America... I personally think it doesn't look too good, but I figure you have an opinion too right? Anyway I hope my letter keeps you entertained as you spend the next five years reading your back mail from your one year vacation!

- Geekboy2005

Well, I wouldn't put money on it. Hey, don't get me wrong! I think it's pretty darn likely. I'm just not a proposition gambler. Poker, hey, alright, deal me in. But you wouldn't catch me dead at the roulette wheel, yknow? At least give me a chance to lose my money my way.

--- SimonBob

Hold Up Now:

Dear Mailbaggers,

I refuse to stoop myself and yell and scream to Nintendo Power...

I will perhaps set their building on fire in an attempt to prove our burning desires of Mother 3.

Thank you.

AMEN!

- Zock Endland

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

Remember way up at the top when I detailed how not to write a letter to Nintendo? This right here is another example, namely: don't go crazy and threaten the big N! We really want them to think we're nice friendly people with a keen appreciation for their games, not a bunch of psychos looking for an excuse to bulldoze their offices! We're totally not a hivemind cult...

...wait, "burning desire!" I get it! Very clever, sir.

--- SimonBob

B-B-B-BEARS?!:

If I was going to demand Mother 3 I would probably go with soemthing like "Bears are great. Bears want Mother 3. Bring Mother 3 to Bears. Bears are in Europe and America and only speak English." I'm quite sure that will induce even the coldest Nintendo employee to translate the darn thing.

- Nudger

Bears?! Sir, I will have you know that we are specifically taking steps to keep Mother 3 away from bears! You're not a bear sympathizer, are you?

--- SimonBob

(Or perhaps a bear synthesizer? Those were popular in the eighties.)

Oh hey, celebrities:

I have the code for Twilight Princess hostage, and I'm not giving it back to Nintendo until they agree to release Mother 3 and another Phoenix Wright game in America. That's why it keeps getting delayed.

- Banana Kid

You're the guy who leaked the Half-Life 2 code, right?

--- SimonBob

Makes You Think:

I don't want some rushed, cheap, bad translation. I don't want ROMs with all their illegal bytes and hacked paragraphs of a glory long forgotten. I don't want Itoi to be assaulted by rabid platypusses. I don't want the love for Mother to fade away a year or so after the japanese release of Mother 3

I want cowboys, everlasting dogs, weird old guys, crazy ladies. I want it to NOT CUT ME. I want humour, good jokes about walking parking meters. I want it to be original, not following any link with Mother 2 or 1. I want it to be the pure essence of AWESOME.

What was I talking about? Might you discover what game was the subject of this letter of glory and riches?

- poik007

I don't know either, man. Zombies Ate My Neighbors? Ogre Battle? NBA Jam: Tournament Edition? I'm totally lost here.

--- SimonBob

SSJ - oops, I won't say it again.:

I would like to file a formal, public request to cease the references to the Mother 3 hero as "Super Saijan Ness."

One more comparison of Earthbound to Dragonball Z and I may just shed a lone, single, emo tear down my little cheek. A lone, single, emo tear of utter destruction.

- Chewy

More importantly, would it stop you from drawing awesome art? Because that kind of threat would totally get me to stop. Although I never started. Maybe I should... ow ow ow mind bullet attack okay I won't!

--- SimonBob

Petitions:

Hey SimonBob! I am really wanting to know if Starmen.net is going to be making a petition to get Mother 3 "Americanized"? I signed the petition a long time ago to get Earthbound 64 over here but we all know how that turned out... Anyhow, looking forward to more mailbag updates!

- Oscar Taylor

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. See, we did a Mother 3 petition back in 2002/03 that got over 30,000 signatures - that was definitely enough to get Nintendo's attention. Now that we know Mother 3 is coming out, even if it's only in Japanese, we're gonna kick back and let the big N call the shots for a bit. If 2007 rolls around and we still don't have an EarthBound 2, then we'll start thinking about rolling out more petitions or sieges or something. (I'm talkin' to you, M3 board spammers! Enough with the "start a petition" topics! We're not doing it!)

--- SimonBob

Tomato and Gio, Live on the Scene?:

I remember a while back Tomato commented that in the event of a Mother 3 Japan release, he and Giovanni might hop onto a private jet and go to Japanland to be SM.net's "On the scene" reporter guys. Is this still happening? Was it ever happening?

- Foppy King

Unfortunately, Mother 3's release coincides with the week Gio was gonna take over Europe, so he's already booked solid. But we've got a few plants who'll give us the news from over the pond.

--- SimonBob