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This Neck of the Woods - by SimonBob

This Neck of the Woods

Debate Week Special:
SimonBob Strikes Back
Article Five of Six: This Neck of the Woods

When I was a kid, we used to go to the woods. We can't anymore, "the woods" has been turned into "the Arboretum" or "the Nature Vista Boardwalk" or "the Future (or Present) Site of Another Stupid Car Park." But when I was a kid, the woods were the place to be. Running between the trees and climbing the ones that didn't look entirely safe in an attempt to get my parents to come after me. Those were the days.

Clearly we have much better trees here than they do in Eagleland.

Why is it that Ness can't just squeeze through the forest and cut around the roadblock to Twoson that way? Why can't you dodge the ghosts of Threed by going through the trees and getting to Grapefruit Falls without the underground path? And why can't Dungeon Man rip those darn palm trees to shreds? Put on your Columbo jackets and let's think about it.

Picture the eastern side of Threed. Trees, right? Now think about what's next to it via the tunnel. Right, that little valley thing, followed by the Dusty Dunes Desert. Are there any trees on the edges of those areas? No! In fact, there are large cliffs that prevent you from going around. Now, that actually makes sense; without a pack mule, you couldn't even think about scaling those things.

Does this point in the direction of fat trees? Perhaps, but let's also keep in mind the path to the hidden treehouse in Onett. You walk through trees that look just as close as the rest of them. So fat trees isn't the answer. Go back and think about the tree-rock connection. There's got to be something in the middle, and that something is rocks underneath trees.

That's right, the reason you can't walk through the forest is because it's actually just a blanket of trees covering aeons of systematic glacial rock-piling activity. That's why you can't get through; there are rocks hidden behind and under the branches. Some trees, the Mega Stealth Commando trees in Winters, are hiding a military bunker behind them, and if you know where to look, you can actually get into it in the game. (It gives you the special "Boomgerang Fish" weapon, which gives anyone the power to kill Giygas in one shot and give the game a different ending.)

So next time you complain about not being able to walk through the forest, just remember that it's really a petrified wood. And consult your local library about woods, forests, arboretums, and power plants in your area. You'll be glad you did.

Other Submissions by SimonBob

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