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The Best Article In The World - by SimonBob

The Best Article In The World

A long time ago, me and my webbuddy Falcon here, we were reading over a long and lonesome forum topic.

All of a sudden, there shined a forum mini-ghost, in the middle of the topic.


"Wriiiiite the best Article in the world... or I'll eat your souls!"

Well me and Falcon, we looked at each other. And we each said...


So we wrote the first thing that came to our heads, and it just so happened to be:

The Best Article in the World!

It was the Best Article in the Wo-o-o-orld!

You may not have noticed, but the entire opening of this article was actually ripped off borrowed from a band known as Tenacious D. You know how Falcon's got that "Ride With Kings/Quit The Band" thing in the Mailbag? That's from Tenacious D too. In fact, a vast majority of everything Falcon and I have done is essentially a reference to the D. And therein lies the key to this article.

For your consideration, I now present to you Why Jack Black Is Like An American Musical Version Of Shigesato Itoi. (That was the original title of this article, but I realized it wasn't gonna fit properly. Oh well. I like the new title better anyway.)

Fact 1: Itoi created something that thousands of people follow religiously (EarthBound.) So did JB (Tenacious D.)

Fact 2: Itoi routinely makes appearances in things that don't really have anything to do with EarthBound (like Iron Chef.) So does JB (like School of Rock.)

Fact 3: Itoi likes The Beatles ("The yellow colour is purely coincidental.") So does JB ("Somebody stole my rocketsauce.")

Conclusion: Itoi and JB are secretly Giygan military experts sent to enslave humanity, and we need to eliminate them as quickly as possible. Their works will live on, but if either of them produce anything else, we'll be beyond the escape threshold and humanity will be doomed.

You may disagree with my analysis, but it's my opinion that the facts speak for themselves. Let's face it, we know that The Beatles were nothing but alien propaganda, as evidenced by Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, so Itoi and JB's respective abilities to not only like them, but also create new things based on their knowledge of them, makes them inherently dangerous to us. Trust me, I know danger when I see it. My middle name is "Sebastian" which means "Danger" in an obscure language that died about twenty years ago when the last Metroid was put into captivity.

Now let's stop talking about why we have to do it and turn to how we're going to do it. Itoi's been off the radar for a while, so I suggest taking out JB first. He's got a natural barrier, however; every time someone tries to shoot him, his bandmate Kyle Gass takes the bullet for him. Also, he's got the 2nd-Class Demon Lord Dave Grohl on his side. It's not going to be easy or pretty, but we're going to have to go in there with energy weapons and try to take all three of them down at once - and they could still be revived at any time by Peter "Lee" Parker, their handy stagehand. I guess we'll have to take him down too. Once they're gone, Itoi and the rest of the invasion force will fall like dominoes.

Memorize this plan and then clear your Internet cache, we've got to execute it before the kind and benevolent Giygan overlords find SimonBob, take him away to reeducate him, and rewrite the end to make it seem as though it was a joke all along. Giygans are your friends! Starmen will rebuild your shattered roads in return for few of your precious resources, Wooly Shamblers can revolutionize your governments with their spectacular intellectual capacities, and Mooks can do lots of amusing tricks with their many tentacles. In time, you will all learn to love and respect what used to seem like evil dictators; heck, you already worship your puny "reidman," so the transition won't be all that bad. Long live the Giygan Empire!

Other Submissions by SimonBob

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