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It's Red Sssssnake! - by SimonBob

It's Red Sssssnake!

You've just landed in Scaraba, a foreign country that happens to be strikingly similar to Egypt. Having dispensed of the Kraken, you're now looking for a souvenir to bring home to your significant other, but you don't know if she'd like the Jar of Hot Sauce or the Piggy Nose. Which are you going to get?

NEITHER! Because you haven't seen RED SNAKE'S BARGAIN SNAKE CARPET yet! Yes, it's Red Snake, the man who put the "asp" in "don't asp me, I'm just a sssssnake!" He's got snakes! He's got vipers! He's even got serum in case you screw up trying to put your new friend in the box!

But what do we know about the eternal mystery behind this enigmatic snake salesman? Why does he sell snakes? Where did he learn to handle them so well? And why hasn't he bought out the Snake Bag business?

We'll answer your questions in reverse order. First of all, Red Snake realizes that a single Snake Bag sells for $290, or $98 if there's a hole in it. By contrast, ordinary snakes sell for $220. That means that by selling two snakes to someone, Red Snake makes $440, or 150 dollars more than he would have made selling that same person a bag. That's money in the bank!

Second, he obviously doesn't know how to handle them well at all. Otherwise he wouldn't cough up such utter claptrap as "Kisssss of fire!" or "Armpit hair fertilizer!" The smell coming from Hassan's Shop throws off his concentration, so he gets bitten more than is healthy for him, even with a constant flow of serum hooked up to his arm. Traces of poison and serum have now become the constituent basis for more than a third of his bloodstream, resulting in vague insanity and even more bites per day.

And finally, Red Snake sells snakes because he thinks he was one in a past life. For more information on this phenomenon, ask your local librarian about reincarnation. You could also ask a priest, which doesn't give you a conclusive answer but is awfully entertaining for about fifteen minutes - which coincidentally is about the amount of time you should rest your eyes between EarthBound sessions, which should be no longer than two hours at a time.

So what have we learned today? Some people would argue that we haven't learned anything, but those kinds of people live under bridges. If you've been paying attention, you'll notice that we've actually learned all about Red Snake, plus we got some bonus learning about maximizing our EarthBound experience by taking regular breaks! And you know what? If you learned something about nutrition today, then you've hit a triple score and can apply for college. Congratulations!

Other Submissions by SimonBob

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SimonBob A Personal Challenge
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SimonBob A Response
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SimonBob Are They Playing Mother 3?
Sing it to the tune of "Do They Know It's Christmastime?"
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SimonBob Article Six
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SimonBob article_man
1/7/05 0.00


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