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Zero Wing = Bad... - by PikaBot

Zero Wing = Bad...

Ok, this is my first article. I am very nervous. My adrenaline glands are hitting overdrive. What’s that? You want me to get to the article? Ok.

This article is about those stupid, grammatically incorrect catch phrases. You know, like ‘all your base are belong to us’…What are you doing? Keep away from that back button. And don’t even think about hitting that little x in the top right hand corner. If you do, I will tear out your throat! I am going to connect this to Earthbound, and throw in a big conspiracy theory to boot (go with the flow, I always say). What? You want a good reason why you should read this? Let me tell you a story. Once, when I was in Washington, teaching the poor about Earthbound, I had a colleague who had a bright student in his class. This student had one problem involving articles. Whenever an article sounded stupid at the beginning, he would foolishly press the back button and/or close the browser. Eventually, my colleague went berserk and drove his student over with a mobile home. Now, PikaBot does not own a mobile home. BUT I CAN RENT ONE! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THE BACK BUTTON! Ok, now that that’s out of my system, just hear me through. I always knew that these were stupid, yet spreading fast. (Just like teletubbies). But I did not understand the magnitude until they started popping up in updates! In order to understand this, you must know my theory about Giygas. I believe that Giygas was an advance scout for the Giygans, a collective hive minds of creatures much more powerful then Giygas. The way they work is they send an advance scout to a planet, which takes over a few minds, and did what Giygas did. However, it’s main objective is to merge with the dominant species in the planet and create a spawn, a half-breed. This is zapped back to the Giygan homeworld, Giygor. There, they analyze it, determine the species weaknesses, assemble a task force which attacks the planet, and leeches it dry of life energy, and return, and the life force is used to sustain the hive mind. In a way, they’re like leeches. They can only survive as long as they suck ‘blood’ from their victims. They have one Achilles’ heel. While they create the spawn, they lose the capability for rational thought. (Solving the mystery about why Giygas went brainless ;-))

OK, so the hive is waiting for Giygas’ spawn. And it doesn’t come. So they decide that we must be pretty strong. So they decide to eliminate our brains. They send us Zero-Wing, chock full of mind-mushing phrases like ‘someone set up us the bomb!’ Also, these phrases are designed to spread quickly. How? Because every phrase would make sense if just one word was missing. One as in ONEtt! Which is Nesses home, which makes us feel at home, and at home is where you laugh the hardest, so we think it is funny, so we spread it…what! No! YOU ARE TO KEEP AWAY FROM THAT BUTTON! ALWAYS REMEMBER THE MOBILE HOME! So the intent of these phrases is to reduce our brains to a pile of goop. So how, I hear you chorus, does ‘You have no chance to survive make your time’ fit in? After all, it makes sense; it’s just missing a comma. It is there to nullify the effects of the phrases. They don’t want it to happen instantaneously, or the non-affected people will stop the spread of the words. They want it to happen slowly, so we don’t notice it. Insidious, ain’t it? So as a closing remark: in the famous word of the staff of We at no longer care who your base belongs to. Good day.

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