What I Want from an Earthbound Movie

There was a discussion held recently at the forums about the fantasy casting of the EarthBound movie. A few people chimed in, some for laughs, some to be serious. Me, I was one of the serious ones.

I'm a huge fan of movies, and I always thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if EB was adapted to the big screen. I've imagined what it would be like behind the scenes, what it would look like on the screen, what kind of reviews it would garner, how the story would be told - stuff like that. I guess you could say I'm a wee bit obsessed.

Nevertheless, I thought some of you guys might find my ideas for an EB movie interesting to read about. It's probably going to come off sounding presumptuous, and I'm might end up looking like a pretentious little jerk, so I just want to clear the air for something - I do not think I am right and every other idea can double for toilet paper. It's just that I'm passionate about this view of mine, sometimes to the point where I can't imagine anything else working. When you, the reader, think of the EarthBound movie, you have your own ideas about it, and YOU can't imagine anything other than your own ideas working. The purpose of this essay is to show you another way of looking at things. If you still prefer your own ideas, hey, you still prefer them. But if you say, "Hey, I never thought of that before," then my work is done.

Oh, and this is going to be a long read, so get comfortable.

OK, that said, let's jump in.

First off, one of the bigger arguments about EarthBound in visual media is the format: Anime or live action? There's very strong support for Anime, and why not? Anime would be cheaper, and it suits EarthBound's trippy, goofy style perfectly. Not to mention a game with such strong Japanese roots should be brought to life by a Japanese art form (I've heard this argument before, unfortunately I can't find the actual post).

Despite those very strong points, however, I still think live action is the way to go. It's probably because I'm not that big of an anime fan. Don't get me wrong - what I've seen, I like. Some of my favorites are Witch Hunter Robin, Cowboy Bebop, Blue Gender, and Lupin the 3rd. These shows really push limits and show me everything anime can be (except for Lupin, that's just a guilty pleasure). However, there's one thing that these shows haven't shown me, and that's subtlety.

Subtlety plays a huge role in my vision of EarthBound (a role I'll explain in more detail a bit later), and between the best anime I've seen and the worst, one thing I find about anime is that they exaggerate a LOT of things. A character never charges toward another character, but he CHARGES toward another character. The good guy never kills the bad guy; the good guy KILLS the bad guy. Do you see what I'm trying to say? Heavy symbolism, intense and ethereal action, inner monologues, conversations about one thing that really mean other things...all this is put to work round the clock for most anime. It certainly works for Cowboy Bebop, but I can't see it working for EarthBound. I'm sure that's flamebait, and I'm going to get an obscene amount of e-mails screaming "ARE YOU HIGH? HAVE YOU SEEN LA IRRESISTIBLE KUTESHI BOY 1/2? IT DOESN'T GET ANY MORE SUBTLE THAN THAT, YOU IDIOT!" But you know what? I just call 'em like I see 'em, so nyah.

And just to drive the point home, one more reason I'd take live action over animation for EB any day of the week - when it's anime, you know it's a fantasy. The quality of the voice acting doesn't matter; I don't know about you, but when I see an animated character, I can't truly believe that he or she could really exist, human or otherwise. Things don't seem as familiar, and familiarity was part of the game's appeal for me. And with live action, there's a sense of familiarity that allows me to make an easier connection to the characters. Animation shows me magic - live action makes me believe in magic.

So now that EB is live action, who plays the Chosen Four? Nobody that's known. If Haley Joel Osment was cast as Ness, I'd keep saying to myself "That's Haley Joel Osment." I don't want to be doing that. I want to connect to Ness like he was a friend of mine - I don't want to make that connection because he's being portrayed by an actor I happen to like. So hold auditions and find the right combination of people to play the gang.

And what place do the famous people have? Cameos, of course! The world of EarthBound is rife with cameo opportunity. I dropped some names on the aforementioned fantasy casting thread, and I'll reprint them here, along with some additional roles that I thought of.

Capt. Strong - Dennis Franz. Andy Sipowicz himself. I've always imagined Strong having Sipowicz's attitude, so...

Everdred - I say Ray Liotta. He's got a spotty track record for comedy, but if you think about it, Everdred is really a less intense Tommy Vercetti.

Ness's Dad - I want to say Brian Cox, even though he's a little old for the part. Brian Cox can do comedy (Super Troopers) and according to Spike Lee, he's a radio play veteran - EXACTLY the type of actor you need for this role. Failing Brian Cox, Michael Douglas might work.

Ness's Mom - Somebody who went by omnitarian on the forum mentioned Jenna Elfman, and I love that idea. I think Ness's mom is a little less loopy than Dharma, but I think if given the chance, Jenna Elfman could make Ness's mom an incredibly memorable character.

Venus - I say, let a pop singer play Venus, but not just any pop singer. Any pop singer can be a part of a guy's dreams, but Venus is different - she's got a classy kind of sexy going on, seducing your mind and your body as she sings. Not to mention that she has actual talent. So that's why I'd go with Mandy Moore. Good voice, great actress, the ability to be sexy without being pornographic, seems to have more than five active brain cells - yeah, she'll do.

The Runaway Five - Nobody can touch The Blues Brothers, whom the R5 are based on, and nobody should even try. That's why I wouldn't go with Dan Aykroyd, Jim Belushi, and a who's who of jazz musicians. Rather, there's this local band here on Long Island called Spider Nick and the Maddogs that sound exactly like I imagine the Five to sound. I'd cast them in a heartbeat.

The Mr. Saturns - Frank Oz. As in Miss Piggy, Yoda, Grover, Bert, and countless other voices. Enough said.

The Tendas - Also Frank Oz.

Buzz Buzz - OK, here's a big one. Buzz Buzz's voice should be haunting, deep and urgent enough to leave an impression on you, to make you want to pay attention. To me, that leaves two choices - Anthony Hopkins and Kiefer Sutherland. It's easier for me to imagine Kiefer Sutherland's voice to Buzz Buzz, but he might bring TOO much intensity to the voice. Buzz Buzz, despite talking about the devastation the world is about to see, always keeps his cool. It's very easy to imagine Anthony Hopkins doing that.

There are dozens of other cameo opportunities out there, but my mind's drawing blanks, either regarding the parts that are available or who would play them.

This leads me to one last important person - the director. The person who would guide this movie down the appropriate creative path.

Remember I was talking about how important familiarity was? And how important it was to make a connection with the characters? See, that was what EarthBound the game was about to me - connections and familiarity. The game was never really about the defeat of Giygas - it was about the rise of maturity. It was about growing up and learning what life was all about. Ness grew up in northern Onett and had only one friend, Pokey - some friend he turned out to be, too. Paula was surrounded by a heartless media, not having one true friend to fall back on. Jeff threw himself into his science work, forgetting about his father. Poo was an immature skirt chaser who had had enough and wanted to be considered truly honorable, but had to grow up first. Don't believe me? Play through the game again - the details are there if you know where to look.

Each member of the Chosen Four needed this adventure to teach them what they needed to learn. To fill that missing part of their lives. And most importantly, to grow up. The director that's hired has to be interested in that part of the story. The potential director also needs to have a taste for EarthBound's oddball sense of humor, but should allow the audience to find that humor. And of course, when the movie shifts into action mode, the director has to make those scenes intense and exciting.

If I were producing the EarthBound movie, the first person I'd be begging to direct it would be Sofia Coppola.

For those who are clueless about Sofia Coppola, she was first known as the woman who ruined The Godfather Part III; she was that terrible as Mary Corleone. That was promptly forgiven, however, after she unleashed The Virgin Suicides unto the world - a huge critical hit. She followed that up with Lost in Translation, and in case you've been living under a rock for the past six months, it's being hailed as one of the best pictures of 2003. More importantly...well, I hate to sound like a shill, but watch the movie. It's all about the adventures of two Americans in Tokyo. Add PSI Powers, two more friends, and set it on a larger scale: it's EarthBound through and through.

The big drawback is, she hasn't proven herself in the area of action - or special effects, come to think of it (this movie should be effects heavy). In that case, support must be given to her. If you get a crack crew to back her up and let them work, she'll come through like gangbusters and deliver an exciting, yet incredibly tender movie the likes of which nobody has ever seen. (This is, of course, assuming that she'll be taken by EarthBound when she plays it.)

I also thought about Peter Jackson as a suitable director. You don't need me to tell you why; just look at his take on Lord of the Rings. He balances character drama and high action effortlessly, and there's no doubt that he can do crazy action and crazier special effects. However, you'll forgive me if I still feel partial to Coppola, and that's for the same reason I disagree with the anime format: subtlety.

With all due respect to Peter Jackson (and plenty is due for this amazing director), if you gave him the EarthBound Movie, he'd load it up with the right brand of insanity - but he'd point it out. It wouldn't be subtle.

Why am I ranting about subtlety? Why do I keep mentioning it? Because I think that if the movie isn't subtle, every audience member will walk away with the same experience. Not necessarily a bad thing - yet I have a feeling that it's not what Itoi intended for the game.

Why do you think Ness never talked in the game? Why do you think that Paula, Jeff, and Poo were underdeveloped? My theory is that Itoi wanted you to picture these characters as the people you knew when you were growing up. He wanted you to open your mind, imagine all the conversations that the characters would be having with each other, their own little private adventures during the night. Because no two people have the same journey through life, every person that played the game would come away with a different experience.

You can't really get away with this technique in a movie, but you can do something else to replicate the effect. Take a look at Lost In Translation - a lot of its humor comes from how wacky Japan can be. However, you're not told straight out, "Look at how weird these people are!" You're given the facts. You're allowed to make your own judgment.

If an EarthBound movie is to be done, I say get Sofia Coppola, have her play EarthBound, get her to write a script, and give her whatever she needs to make it work. When the movie comes out, people will stand up and cheer.

At least that's how I see it.