Sword of Fools
TsuramiSea: Hey everyone! Who knows what time it is?
Readers: TIME TO KILL TSURAMISEA?
TsuramiSea: Uh, no.....but read on. After hearing my story, you might as well kill me.
Confused reader: Wait, something's wrong here. No one would want to die.
TsuramiSea: Oh, but you'll see why I might want to.
It's past 7:00. I creep over to the SNES to play EarthBound. Whee! I'm at the point right before the Stonehenge base......I mean, I am at Dr. Andonut's laboratory, I have the Eraser Eraser, a Multi-Bottle Rocket, and several health-restoring items. Let's go! Oh, and before I beat it, I should be sure to battle Starman Super for the Sword of Kings.....because I won't be able to fight them AFTER I beat Starman Deluxe! Alright, erase that eraser. Get out of my way, freak Atomic Power Robots! I wanna fight Starman Super.....okay, made it! Ahhh, a Starman Super! Let's get that Sword of Kings! Spy, Jeff, spy....????? No Sword of Kings? Oh, that's right. There's only a 1 in 128 chance that any Starman Super will have it. Well then, I'll just fight a few more........
(10 Starmen Supers later.......) !?!!!??!!??!????!!! This is taking forever....I've already reached the Exit Mouse room. After 5 more Starman Supers, I'll head on.....
(25 Starmen Supers and 16 Atomic Power Robots later.......)
Tsurami's mom: Tsurami, don't you have homework?
TsuramiSea: (under evil control of Starman Super) No-I-do-not-have-an-y-home-work.
Tsurami's mom: You don't? I think you'd have some....
TsuramiSea: There-are-six-days-of-school-left. I-have-no-homework.
Tsurami's mom: (Becoming frightened) Okay.......you would know.......
(38 Starmen Supers and 5 Military Octobots later......)
Sumba (my sister) : Tsurami, what are you doing?
TsuramiSea: (braindead at this point) Kill-ing-you.
Sumba: What?!? Don't you get a bad attitude with me!!!!
TsuramiSea: Be-qui-et-pit-i-ful-hu-man.
Sumba: That's it, you're dead!
TsuramiSea encountered Sumba!
(at the end of the battle)
TsuramiSea died! Sumba won!
Sumba: That'll teach you to mouth off at me!
TsuramiSea (lying in heap on the floor) : Grrrggghhh?!?
(43 Starmen Supers, 3 Atomic Power Robots, and a Military Octobot later.......)
(Tsurami's dad is showing him delicious apple turnovers of which one he will make for Tsurami's mother. He asks Tsurami if he wants one.)
TsuramiSea: Yes, and can I have a side of dog food?!?!
(Meanwhile, in the world of the game, where all of the game's events happen.....) Ness and his friends were becoming fatigued after battling 117 Starmen Supers and various other robots, and it was beginning to affect them in strange ways......
Ness is talking to someone, seemingly. "Yes, well, I agree.....the Senior Mooks aren't that much of a threat."
"Ness," interjects Paula confusedly, "there's no one there."
We see this to be the truth. The eerie mystery music plays (you know, like when the Spook makes his intercom announcement).
(Back to TsuramiSea's house.)
(8 Starmen Supers later.....)
"Yes, I got the Sword of Kings!" cries TsuramiSea. He grabs the Player's Guide and flips through it. "Now, I only need to fight the same number of Uncontrollable Spheres for the Gaia Beam, and nearly the same amount of Krakens for the Gutsy Bat, and then I'll be done! Easy! EASY! EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" TsuramiSea breaks into maniacal laughter, and then passes out.
Okay, so a lot of this is exaggeration. I didn't battle my sister, I wasn't hypnotized by Starman Super, I didn't pass out, and sadly, I didn't really get the Sword of Kings. (As a matter of fact, I only fought around 70 Starmen Super......I think.....) However, listen to these. I played until around 9:20 or so (at which point I cracked down and went to blow Starman Deluxe to pieces). That's almost two hours. I was around level 59, maybe lower, when I went in......I came out with these levels: boy, 73; girl, 69; genius, 68; prince, 64. The boy (Ness) had a maximum of 571 hit points. I had learned Fire Omega, Flash Omega, and Healing Omega. (Oh yeah....and Thunder Omega.) Military Octobots stole my three Peanut Cheese Bars. Jeff and Poo both fainted once, I brought them back using my newly-gained Healing Omega and my other unconciousness Healing power, respectively. And I never got that evil-incarnate sword. Sure, you think, if your levels were built that high, why didn't you just forget the sword? Well.....SWORD OF KINGS IS THE ONLY WEAPON POO CAN USE! AND I WANT IH-HI-IIIIIIIIT!
The point of this boring and contrived article? Simply this - Nintendo made it too freakin' hard to get the game's most powerful weapons! Couldn't they have left it at a 1 in 70 chance? Ah, well. Anyway, I am now in mental rehab. They're slowly teaching me not to SMAAAAAASH everything I see. If you've got the Sword of Kings once when playing this game, don't visit me........I'm likely to forget all that I've re-learned and beat you on the head with a Copy of 1984. (Just kidding.) I'll keep trying to get that sword. Now get back to what you were doing before you read this stupid article. Bye-bye.
Jeffry: Yeah, bye, everyone!
TsuramiSea: Jeffry, get out of here.
TsuramiSea: Hey everyone! Who knows what time it is?
Readers: TIME TO KILL TSURAMISEA?
TsuramiSea: Uh, no.....but read on. After hearing my story, you might as well kill me.
Confused reader: Wait, something's wrong here. No one would want to die.
TsuramiSea: Oh, but you'll see why I might want to.
It's past 7:00. I creep over to the SNES to play EarthBound. Whee! I'm at the point right before the Stonehenge base......I mean, I am at Dr. Andonut's laboratory, I have the Eraser Eraser, a Multi-Bottle Rocket, and several health-restoring items. Let's go! Oh, and before I beat it, I should be sure to battle Starman Super for the Sword of Kings.....because I won't be able to fight them AFTER I beat Starman Deluxe! Alright, erase that eraser. Get out of my way, freak Atomic Power Robots! I wanna fight Starman Super.....okay, made it! Ahhh, a Starman Super! Let's get that Sword of Kings! Spy, Jeff, spy....????? No Sword of Kings? Oh, that's right. There's only a 1 in 128 chance that any Starman Super will have it. Well then, I'll just fight a few more........
(10 Starmen Supers later.......) !?!!!??!!??!????!!! This is taking forever....I've already reached the Exit Mouse room. After 5 more Starman Supers, I'll head on.....
(25 Starmen Supers and 16 Atomic Power Robots later.......)
Tsurami's mom: Tsurami, don't you have homework?
TsuramiSea: (under evil control of Starman Super) No-I-do-not-have-an-y-home-work.
Tsurami's mom: You don't? I think you'd have some....
TsuramiSea: There-are-six-days-of-school-left. I-have-no-homework.
Tsurami's mom: (Becoming frightened) Okay.......you would know.......
(38 Starmen Supers and 5 Military Octobots later......)
Sumba (my sister) : Tsurami, what are you doing?
TsuramiSea: (braindead at this point) Kill-ing-you.
Sumba: What?!? Don't you get a bad attitude with me!!!!
TsuramiSea: Be-qui-et-pit-i-ful-hu-man.
Sumba: That's it, you're dead!
TsuramiSea encountered Sumba!
(at the end of the battle)
TsuramiSea died! Sumba won!
Sumba: That'll teach you to mouth off at me!
TsuramiSea (lying in heap on the floor) : Grrrggghhh?!?
(43 Starmen Supers, 3 Atomic Power Robots, and a Military Octobot later.......)
(Tsurami's dad is showing him delicious apple turnovers of which one he will make for Tsurami's mother. He asks Tsurami if he wants one.)
TsuramiSea: Yes, and can I have a side of dog food?!?!
(Meanwhile, in the world of the game, where all of the game's events happen.....) Ness and his friends were becoming fatigued after battling 117 Starmen Supers and various other robots, and it was beginning to affect them in strange ways......
Ness is talking to someone, seemingly. "Yes, well, I agree.....the Senior Mooks aren't that much of a threat."
"Ness," interjects Paula confusedly, "there's no one there."
We see this to be the truth. The eerie mystery music plays (you know, like when the Spook makes his intercom announcement).
(Back to TsuramiSea's house.)
(8 Starmen Supers later.....)
"Yes, I got the Sword of Kings!" cries TsuramiSea. He grabs the Player's Guide and flips through it. "Now, I only need to fight the same number of Uncontrollable Spheres for the Gaia Beam, and nearly the same amount of Krakens for the Gutsy Bat, and then I'll be done! Easy! EASY! EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" TsuramiSea breaks into maniacal laughter, and then passes out.
Okay, so a lot of this is exaggeration. I didn't battle my sister, I wasn't hypnotized by Starman Super, I didn't pass out, and sadly, I didn't really get the Sword of Kings. (As a matter of fact, I only fought around 70 Starmen Super......I think.....) However, listen to these. I played until around 9:20 or so (at which point I cracked down and went to blow Starman Deluxe to pieces). That's almost two hours. I was around level 59, maybe lower, when I went in......I came out with these levels: boy, 73; girl, 69; genius, 68; prince, 64. The boy (Ness) had a maximum of 571 hit points. I had learned Fire Omega, Flash Omega, and Healing Omega. (Oh yeah....and Thunder Omega.) Military Octobots stole my three Peanut Cheese Bars. Jeff and Poo both fainted once, I brought them back using my newly-gained Healing Omega and my other unconciousness Healing power, respectively. And I never got that evil-incarnate sword. Sure, you think, if your levels were built that high, why didn't you just forget the sword? Well.....SWORD OF KINGS IS THE ONLY WEAPON POO CAN USE! AND I WANT IH-HI-IIIIIIIIT!
The point of this boring and contrived article? Simply this - Nintendo made it too freakin' hard to get the game's most powerful weapons! Couldn't they have left it at a 1 in 70 chance? Ah, well. Anyway, I am now in mental rehab. They're slowly teaching me not to SMAAAAAASH everything I see. If you've got the Sword of Kings once when playing this game, don't visit me........I'm likely to forget all that I've re-learned and beat you on the head with a Copy of 1984. (Just kidding.) I'll keep trying to get that sword. Now get back to what you were doing before you read this stupid article. Bye-bye.
Jeffry: Yeah, bye, everyone!
TsuramiSea: Jeffry, get out of here.
