Why has Tessie never appeared to the researchers?
What? Why has no one ever seen Tessie who's tried to look for her? THAT'S your "big-ticket" question?
Well. I thought everyone knew the answer to this one, but I guess I was wrong.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Doctor Wally Zedonin, and I am a xenobiologist specializing in strange fauna...Hmm, what was that? What am I a doctor of?
...Well, I'm not really a doctor, I just sort of... call myself that.
That question was a bit presumptuous, I think. Could you not ask tricky stuff like that? Thanks.
Anyway, basically what I do is study all of the strange fauna of the world. A lot of people have a tendency to dismiss my work and lump me in with people like those crazy conspiracy theorists who like to claim that aliens visited the Earth back in 199X, but I can tell you that I take my work a lot more seriously than those crackpots. I have lots of information that is waaaay more well-researched than anything those guys have come up with. For example, did you know that there is a race of tiny green people living below the Earth's crust?
...
Okay. Perhaps that was not the best way to convince you of my research's validity. But it is true, I swear. They call themselves the Tendas. For millions of years, they lived undisturbed, untouched by human contact. Only recently have they begun to... what?
How is this related to Tessie, you ask? Have some patience, okay? Calm down. I'm getting there. Jeez.
Where was I? The Tendas. Right. A long time ago, they underwent a schism. The reasons for this schism appear to be related to their social skills -- most of the Tendas who were shy stayed in a cave above ground, whereas the more outspoken of the species moved underground. How the shy Tendas managed to reproduce is one of the great mysteries of our time.
At one point, I believe, one of the shy Tendas got fed up with living below ground and never being able to see the sun. So he decided to dig his way out. However, the underground Tenda encampment was located several miles below the Earth's crust, and the Tendas possessed only very rudimentary digging technology. The process of digging up from under the Earth would have taken many thousands of years. The Tendas are an ancient race, however, and if we consider this event to have taken place long ago, the timeline does match up. Actually, that's one of the great mysteries of xeno--you're tapping your wrist. What does that mean? Oh, you have to go soon? Okay, I'll try to speed things along here.
So anyway, original Tenda dies, but his descendants keep on digging. Thousands of years pass, and they reach the surface. But they didn't dig in a very smart way. Instead of digging a spiral staircase, which would have led them somewhere directly above their underground cave, it is my personal belief that they dug a very shallow staircase straight on, so that where they surfaced was actually very far away from their original location. In fact, I believe it to have been somewhere in what today forms Winters.
Ah, I see you perked up at the name "Winters." That's right. That's where Tessie lives.
I believe that at this point, most of the underground Tendas had given up on the project, resigning themselves to a life without sun. In fact, they may have formed some sort of hatred of the sun, and none would dare venture into the tunnel to the surface.
None, that is, except one.
Why are you looking at me like that? Do you think I'm making this up on the spot? Sir, I assure you that this is the result of YEARS of xenobiological research and intense study! If you don't want to believe me, then I guess you don't need to hear the end of the theory. I'll just be going now.
Oh? You DO want to hear the end of my theory? Will you acknowledge me as a legitimate historian?
All right, all right, fine. I'll finish telling you the story -- I mean, theory.
No Tenda would dare venture into the tunnel to the surface -- none, that is, except one.
This Tenda -- a descendant of the original sun-loving Tenda, perhaps -- was the only one willing to go and reach the surface. And when he did, it was amazing. The sun warmed his pale green skin, and he knew that it was good. But he also knew that he could tell no one about his experience, or else they would burn him at the stake. Or something. Probably. Because... they hated the sun, remember? Right, okay, anyway.
He surfaces, and the year is 1878. That's the year, you'll notice, that the first Tessie sightings begin to appear. Now, I need to take a break from this story and tell you a different one for a bit. No, stop complaining! It's really short.
I take it you're familiar with the great scientist, Jeff Andonuts? Inventor of the Gaia Beam? Yes? All right. And you've heard of his father, I'm sure, the great Dr. Andonuts, inventor of the Instant Revitalizing Device. There's a tradition of scientific ingenuity in that family. And Dr. Andonuts' great-grandfather was the one who started it. Cornelius Andonuts, born in 1845, was so far ahead of his time that most people considered him to be a common stage magician. In fact, he made some discoveries that no one else has been able to replicate to this day. Some say they find that a bit suspect, and claim that he was actually just a magician. But I think he was on to something.
Cornelius's signature invention was what he called "A Device to Reverse Polarity of Realistic Elements," or what most xenohistorians... what? Yes, that's a real term. Shh. What most xenohistorians call the "Oppositional Beam." The power of the Oppositional Beam was that it could convert any object into its exact opposite. Cornelius continued to tinker with it into his old age, but he never quite perfected it.
Cornelius had a reputation for being quite eccentric. He always needed something new to test out his invention on, but he was never willing to test it on himself. The thing about the Oppositional Beam was that, once it had been used on something, it could not be used to reverse the changes that it had wrought. So he was always looking for new test subjects, but he had trouble finding people willing to be turned into their exact opposite. The device would even reverse people's personalities, you see, and most people had trouble with that for some reason, even if he assured them that they would be much improved afterwards.
Now, the Tenda didn't know about any of this. Not Cornelius's reputation, not his invention, not his constant search for new test subjects. What he did know was that he was hungry. And when he saw a building with a delicious smell coming out of it, he was drawn to it.
He happened to walk in on Cornelius Andonuts eating lunch. His lunch that day was some imported German sauerkraut -- we know this because he wrote everything down -- which smelled delicious to the Tenda, as Tendas have an affinity for all things "kraut."
Cornelius offered the starving Tenda a deal -- he would share some of his lunch with him if he would let Andonuts test his invention on him, just once. The Tenda, likely thinking with his stomach rather than his brain, agreed to this, and was soon lounging on the floor with his stomach full of sauerkraut. Cornelius then reminded him of his end of the bargain. The Tenda begrudgingly agreed, although too late he noted that he had never asked what the device actually did. But by then Cornelius already had the device pointed at him.
There was a bright flash.
The first thing that he noticed after the flash was that the room smelled TERRIBLE. How had he ever thought that this sauerkraut smelled good?
The next thing that he noticed, as his eyes adjusted, was that Cornelius Andonuts looked very, very small.
Cornelius asked him how he was feeling. He tried to respond, but his words seemed to catch on his tongue. He suddenly realized how different he felt from before. He felt... shy? What a strange feeling!
He tried to convey this to Cornelius, but was having trouble communicating his feelings. Suddenly he glanced down at his hand... which wasn't a hand anymore. Nor was it green.
He looked down at himself and realized that he was all of a sudden a giant, purple sea creature. And he was shy. And he hated sauerkraut. And, he realized to his horror, he was a girl.
Tessie fainted.
When she came to, she was floating in the middle of Lake Tess, Cornelius having dragged her there after fearing that she had suffocated in the air. Actually, I believe, Tessie can breathe air, like a whale. But Cornelius didn't know that.
Tessie looked over to the shore, and suddenly noticed a crowd of people staring at her with binoculars. Due to her newfound shyness, she felt extremely embarassed, and quickly hid under the water.
And no one has ever seen her again.
Well.
Some people -- the same people who talk about the 199X alien invasion -- claim that a young boy from Winters was able to make friends with the beast. But I wouldn't trust a thing they say.
What? Why has no one ever seen Tessie who's tried to look for her? THAT'S your "big-ticket" question?
Well. I thought everyone knew the answer to this one, but I guess I was wrong.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Doctor Wally Zedonin, and I am a xenobiologist specializing in strange fauna...Hmm, what was that? What am I a doctor of?
...Well, I'm not really a doctor, I just sort of... call myself that.
That question was a bit presumptuous, I think. Could you not ask tricky stuff like that? Thanks.
Anyway, basically what I do is study all of the strange fauna of the world. A lot of people have a tendency to dismiss my work and lump me in with people like those crazy conspiracy theorists who like to claim that aliens visited the Earth back in 199X, but I can tell you that I take my work a lot more seriously than those crackpots. I have lots of information that is waaaay more well-researched than anything those guys have come up with. For example, did you know that there is a race of tiny green people living below the Earth's crust?
...
Okay. Perhaps that was not the best way to convince you of my research's validity. But it is true, I swear. They call themselves the Tendas. For millions of years, they lived undisturbed, untouched by human contact. Only recently have they begun to... what?
How is this related to Tessie, you ask? Have some patience, okay? Calm down. I'm getting there. Jeez.
Where was I? The Tendas. Right. A long time ago, they underwent a schism. The reasons for this schism appear to be related to their social skills -- most of the Tendas who were shy stayed in a cave above ground, whereas the more outspoken of the species moved underground. How the shy Tendas managed to reproduce is one of the great mysteries of our time.
At one point, I believe, one of the shy Tendas got fed up with living below ground and never being able to see the sun. So he decided to dig his way out. However, the underground Tenda encampment was located several miles below the Earth's crust, and the Tendas possessed only very rudimentary digging technology. The process of digging up from under the Earth would have taken many thousands of years. The Tendas are an ancient race, however, and if we consider this event to have taken place long ago, the timeline does match up. Actually, that's one of the great mysteries of xeno--you're tapping your wrist. What does that mean? Oh, you have to go soon? Okay, I'll try to speed things along here.
So anyway, original Tenda dies, but his descendants keep on digging. Thousands of years pass, and they reach the surface. But they didn't dig in a very smart way. Instead of digging a spiral staircase, which would have led them somewhere directly above their underground cave, it is my personal belief that they dug a very shallow staircase straight on, so that where they surfaced was actually very far away from their original location. In fact, I believe it to have been somewhere in what today forms Winters.
Ah, I see you perked up at the name "Winters." That's right. That's where Tessie lives.
I believe that at this point, most of the underground Tendas had given up on the project, resigning themselves to a life without sun. In fact, they may have formed some sort of hatred of the sun, and none would dare venture into the tunnel to the surface.
None, that is, except one.
Why are you looking at me like that? Do you think I'm making this up on the spot? Sir, I assure you that this is the result of YEARS of xenobiological research and intense study! If you don't want to believe me, then I guess you don't need to hear the end of the theory. I'll just be going now.
Oh? You DO want to hear the end of my theory? Will you acknowledge me as a legitimate historian?
All right, all right, fine. I'll finish telling you the story -- I mean, theory.
No Tenda would dare venture into the tunnel to the surface -- none, that is, except one.
This Tenda -- a descendant of the original sun-loving Tenda, perhaps -- was the only one willing to go and reach the surface. And when he did, it was amazing. The sun warmed his pale green skin, and he knew that it was good. But he also knew that he could tell no one about his experience, or else they would burn him at the stake. Or something. Probably. Because... they hated the sun, remember? Right, okay, anyway.
He surfaces, and the year is 1878. That's the year, you'll notice, that the first Tessie sightings begin to appear. Now, I need to take a break from this story and tell you a different one for a bit. No, stop complaining! It's really short.
I take it you're familiar with the great scientist, Jeff Andonuts? Inventor of the Gaia Beam? Yes? All right. And you've heard of his father, I'm sure, the great Dr. Andonuts, inventor of the Instant Revitalizing Device. There's a tradition of scientific ingenuity in that family. And Dr. Andonuts' great-grandfather was the one who started it. Cornelius Andonuts, born in 1845, was so far ahead of his time that most people considered him to be a common stage magician. In fact, he made some discoveries that no one else has been able to replicate to this day. Some say they find that a bit suspect, and claim that he was actually just a magician. But I think he was on to something.
Cornelius's signature invention was what he called "A Device to Reverse Polarity of Realistic Elements," or what most xenohistorians... what? Yes, that's a real term. Shh. What most xenohistorians call the "Oppositional Beam." The power of the Oppositional Beam was that it could convert any object into its exact opposite. Cornelius continued to tinker with it into his old age, but he never quite perfected it.
Cornelius had a reputation for being quite eccentric. He always needed something new to test out his invention on, but he was never willing to test it on himself. The thing about the Oppositional Beam was that, once it had been used on something, it could not be used to reverse the changes that it had wrought. So he was always looking for new test subjects, but he had trouble finding people willing to be turned into their exact opposite. The device would even reverse people's personalities, you see, and most people had trouble with that for some reason, even if he assured them that they would be much improved afterwards.
Now, the Tenda didn't know about any of this. Not Cornelius's reputation, not his invention, not his constant search for new test subjects. What he did know was that he was hungry. And when he saw a building with a delicious smell coming out of it, he was drawn to it.
He happened to walk in on Cornelius Andonuts eating lunch. His lunch that day was some imported German sauerkraut -- we know this because he wrote everything down -- which smelled delicious to the Tenda, as Tendas have an affinity for all things "kraut."
Cornelius offered the starving Tenda a deal -- he would share some of his lunch with him if he would let Andonuts test his invention on him, just once. The Tenda, likely thinking with his stomach rather than his brain, agreed to this, and was soon lounging on the floor with his stomach full of sauerkraut. Cornelius then reminded him of his end of the bargain. The Tenda begrudgingly agreed, although too late he noted that he had never asked what the device actually did. But by then Cornelius already had the device pointed at him.
There was a bright flash.
The first thing that he noticed after the flash was that the room smelled TERRIBLE. How had he ever thought that this sauerkraut smelled good?
The next thing that he noticed, as his eyes adjusted, was that Cornelius Andonuts looked very, very small.
Cornelius asked him how he was feeling. He tried to respond, but his words seemed to catch on his tongue. He suddenly realized how different he felt from before. He felt... shy? What a strange feeling!
He tried to convey this to Cornelius, but was having trouble communicating his feelings. Suddenly he glanced down at his hand... which wasn't a hand anymore. Nor was it green.
He looked down at himself and realized that he was all of a sudden a giant, purple sea creature. And he was shy. And he hated sauerkraut. And, he realized to his horror, he was a girl.
Tessie fainted.
When she came to, she was floating in the middle of Lake Tess, Cornelius having dragged her there after fearing that she had suffocated in the air. Actually, I believe, Tessie can breathe air, like a whale. But Cornelius didn't know that.
Tessie looked over to the shore, and suddenly noticed a crowd of people staring at her with binoculars. Due to her newfound shyness, she felt extremely embarassed, and quickly hid under the water.
And no one has ever seen her again.
Well.
Some people -- the same people who talk about the 199X alien invasion -- claim that a young boy from Winters was able to make friends with the beast. But I wouldn't trust a thing they say.
