Oh, so you're the new old guy. Well, I just got used to Falcon24, so this is gonna be a trip.
Let's see here. Exploring my house at a molecular level, I have found the following EB Merchandise:
1) One EarthBound Pog with Master Belch on it
2) One extremely beat-up EarthBound Strategy Guide
3) The corner of one of those scratch-'n'-sniff cards
4) A clump of Starman-shaped fluff
5) A copy of the elusive Mother 3 along with the instruction booklet and a piece of plastic
6) One dusty EarthBound cartridge that has been played through approx. 20 times by several brothers
I'll explain them one by one and stuff. As you can see, I love EarthBound but hate spending money on miscellaneous crap I'm not going to use. Despite my lack of EB swaggery, all of my stuffs have their own unique story, tragic tales filled to the brim with rich, chewy background.
1) - A long time ago, my older older eldest brother got our mom to buy EarthBound. Unfortunately, there was a downside to this: we had to take the pogs that came with the game. Don't get me wrong, I like Pogs. My brothers, like all other good men of their day, were passive collectors of pogs, snagging the tiny morsels of circular cardboard that drifted down the twisted passageway we like to call life, but never going out of the way to specifically collect one of those useless shiny items. So, what was bad with this? When we played pogs, they got all over the floor and our mom yelled at us because they got under the couch and they clogged the vacuum.
Lame. So, most of the others are in our vacuum in the landfill east of here. The poor Master Belch one that remained somehow managed to survive in a miniscule unswept portion of the area which is neither above the drawer or below the floor... an untainted landscape unfit for mere human habitation. A place I like to call... the
UnderDrawer. It was way under there. I was looking for spare dice so we could play like Monopoly and I found it. Then we still only had one die so we played Pogopoly. It was pretty fun.
2) - This is another item from a long forgotten Christmas Past. Everytime the ghost comes, he always talked about how he liked the clay models. Those were really cool. Anyway, picture a household where there are three brothers and one baby that all want to look at a book full of awesome clay models and fun gameplay hints that the game is
impossible to beat without and you can get a pretty good idea of how the strategy guide looks. Our mom had to piece it together for us, but the bulk of it still remains super-awesome-touched. The miscellaneous information in this guide is absolutely
priceless. This guide is super-awesome and it has a million effort put into it and stuff and also clay models. Dogs: 2. YESSS!!! I still couldn't beat Frank, though. also my little brother lost to starman jr.
3) - I remember these things. Another oily-smelling useless tidbit of absolute
fun that came with the game. Pointless statistics, fun smells, just all-around cool to have with the game. This is a good thing and a good thing it is. Banana was the best. I remember. "Titantic Ant smells like Gas Station." This game stinks. I don't care if you guys think "this game stinks" was terrible. EarthBound was set up a really great way. If EarthBound got a lot of normal stupid people to play it that didn't like it, I wouldn't mind. But I'm really glad it caught the attention of whimsical fun smart people.
4) - I was digging under my bed for stuff to write about, and I found this. It's very interesting. It is about an inch in height and width. It cannot fire energy beams. If you squint, it looks like Grandma. I think it's really cool and I would like it a lot if it came with the game.
5) - I've beaten EB0, but only illegally and out of curiousity. (I think I wrote an article about it.) Anyway, Mother 3 is great. It doesn't have the blood brother aspect that EB has with me, but the gameplay elements are finely honed and I can really respect that. I like it more than EB0, but in further reflection, I don't like it quite as much as EB... it's too linear and they don't give you enough space to roam around in. As a story, however, it excels. It's a fine sequel to EB, although one for the SNES could have been leagues better. Also, I loved timed hits so timed hits are doubleplusawesomeing. Too bad at the end of the game you only have like two enemies to even
try PK Ground on and stuff, and it doesn't even work on them anway. Dumb. The gameplay is fantastic, but the areas themselves seem to lack a bit when it comes down to it, and the game is a bit on the short side.
6) -
This is it. This is just
it. Out of all the years I have been alive, EarthBound has been defining about 5/7 of it. That time I was weird at school and started throwing mud at my cousin and dealing him damage and expecting him to hit back and he started crying. That time I SMAAAAASHED my friend's dog with a baseball bat and I got in trouble. That time I swung a hula hoop at a friend and dealt him mortal damage. All of those awesome moments of my life have sprung from this tiny little collection of soot and gum. That's all EarthBound is. A magic compartment of soot, gum, and I think some twigs. But when electricity starts flowing and your brain starts working, EarthBound becomes an unfathomable force that not even the power of reid's pants can resist.
Wahoo! We really hope this performance is so good that you pee your pants! Especially that kid in the corner there! The important thing is not that I quoted it wrong. The important thing is awesome times a million. EarthBound taught me that Spiteful Crows and Foppies and fart times a million and awesome awesome awesome are
real and music is
cool and I can't play video games downstairs because the zombies will eat me mommy come on james can you sit down here while I play it
please please please YES AWESOME
I'm in a really good mood now. I feel like just... playing through EarthBound again. It has been revived. EBFGP will no longer feel like a mad repetitive trudge. Time to play like I feel like! Who cares if I don't have any burgers when I face Frank? Losing is part of the game, and the game probably feels pretty bad since it hasn't won in a while.
PS - Is there going to be a M3FGP? I want to do a no-equip game for my third playthrough and I want to start now, but if I play it through again I won't want to do it later. Come on, champ!
PPS - Is the Essay Contest ever going to be finished? (Don't tell Dr. Agerate I asked this, though, 'cause last time I did he said he'd violently expulse me from the contest if I did so again)
PPPS - What's
your adventure with EB?
PPPPS - also megaman x
- Radiation
I will answer your PS's:
1) I'm not the authority, but I personally would like to see a wait on a M3FGP. EBFGP was meant to get people BACK in the game. Most of us haven't even seen what Mother 3 truly has to offer yet. But what I like most about the event is it makes everyone play the game the way Itoi meant for it to be played; little by little over a long period of time.
2) As far as I know, the Essay Contest is closed. However, I believe the prizes have yet to be distributed to the winners.
3) I got EarthBound from a friend who needed money for an N64. I've been playing it ever since.
4) The Detroit People Mover is the symbol of
futuristic robotic technology.
- EBounding
