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Diaries: Sm.net - by NeoPaula

Diaries: Sm.net

She stared out the window, the rain hitting the glass, making soft blows with each connection. She sighed softly, and looked back at her computer screen. It had given her nothing but discomfort during the day; what with her considering resigning from her online community. On the one hand, she thought it was petty to obsess over a simple thing like the Internet, yet it had become a way of life for her. A state of mind, almost. On the other hand, she considered, a lot of the people she knew meant a lot to her, in the strangest ways. Her community, Starmen.net, had brought her so much joy, yet so much pain. Again, she thought of how simplistic it sounded, that she was analyzing an online community, but her thoughts, her deepest morals, overrode her petty ideals. She thought back to her earliest days at the site, even those she could not remember to the clearest of her ability. Her thoughts then forwarded to the day she received ops, and diospadre had said to her that she was moving up in the site's hierarchy. How right he was, she thought bitterly. Ignorance was bliss, in that respect. The night she requested a switch to Modding interactive fiction was the mark of her descent into corruption, and she should have never taken to job. She cursed herself for her stupidity. "Why would I request to police what I love? Understanding only brings a deep bitter flavor, one that would not exist when merely abiding by the rules, and not enforcing them." Again, she swore under her breath. Once again, her mind rolled down to the first few days she posted on Union. Those were incredible times, a fast paced story with a few good writers, some of the best the site had to offer. Except PSI322.

She looked idly at her caller ID, her mind far from the phone. PSI322. Her idol. Yet her bane. Her very existence as an IF mod was held in the precarious balance of her predecessors. She would never go down in history as being the next PSI322, she was sure of that. "What I've done is like Watergate. It's no wonder Nixon resigned." Her elbows sank slightly as she paused, catching a breath. The thoughts on her mind weighed her down, as she toyed with the heavy decision in her mind. Is it worth it to leave, she pondered over something as pathetic as abuse of power?

If She had not been in the situation, she would have laughed at the person who was. So much deliberation, when the answer was obvious! The rules were easy to follow, and it made her no better than any of the others who came and left, like leaves on the wind. She toyed with the analogy slightly, and sighed. A leaf, once it falls off the tree, must float or die. A leaf will always die, but the moments when it floats are the greatest. Maybe moving on was the best idea after all.

She recalled her chat with BuddyLee. What she had done was corrupt, all right; she didn't need to have him tell her that. She knew. You can't do something wrong and not know it. There's a feeling of sin inside you, and no matter how you suppress it, the sin grows like a fireball being fed with aerosol. The talking to only made it worse. Falcon24 didn't make it any easier. She liked Falcon, but he never had a problem with speaking his mind. Always there to say exactly what he thought of the situation, always there at exactly the right time, she thought. She paused from her thoughts again, to toss her hair slightly, keeping it out of her eyes. It had slowly dipped forward while she was in deliberation. Had it gotten hotter in the room?

dios didn't help the situation at all. This surprised her really, as she had always considered dios a friend. She still did, in fact, which was one of the things that puzzled her. It didn't' take long for someone to alienate her, and dios had certainly been given the opportunity. It was quite a slap in the face when he voiced his thoughts, that what she had done was wrong.

She finally addressed the problem, as she leaned back in her chair. What was the problem? Interactive fiction, her old friend; they were now bitter enemies. Breathing in, she thought of her latest IF kick, Animus. Of course, her first goal was to have the story go well, and become a fanfic. Wasn't that always the goal? Smirking slightly, she realized it wasn't. Union was never made to be a fic; it was just a fun story between a few friends. Friends till the end, she reiterated, with an acidic tone in her voice. She went on, probing her thoughts. Animus was meant to be a fiction about Master Belch's Animosity of Ness; she couldn't even recall where he was right now in the story. It had merely become a game of 'Run away from the kid that didn't help the plot.' She looked back on her actions, and she regretted most of them, some of her accusations were founded, but others were simply a game of cat and mouse that outraged her, in hindsight. She didn't even know why she had done it. "Grammar was never that big an issue," she thought, remembering her own mediocre typing skills. "It was really only about the plot." Falcon24 had said to her night that the same thing had happened in The Gathering, and that's why it never became a fic. Oh, The gathering. The very sound of it made her blood boil. Simply put, it stood for everything she could never be, it somehow drew the eternal line between newbies and old regulars-the people who apparently still had the Earthbound spirit. Again, she chuckled slightly. The Earthbound spirit. As far as she was concerned, she didn't have it, and no one else she talked to did. An Earthbound spirit has been destroyed on a quest for power, and she wasn't sure if she needed to gain it back. Perhaps it was the only way things could ever truly be resolved, the earthbound spirit. Wisdom, Courage, and Friendship. Before, all those had meant to her was the ironic comparison to Zelda. More ironic still, was the replacement of friendship with power. "How true," she said aloud, "that the very core of these two games lies in a simple change of words." However, when she turned the words over in her mind, they meant so much more under inspection. Wisdom was the ability to make enlightened decisions, under extreme pressure or on an every day basis. More importantly, the wise knew right from wrong. If she were ever to acquire wisdom, she would need to rethink several of her Modding tactics. Courage, the ability to stand up in the face of adversary. She couldn't stand up in the face of Guruzeth, much less an enemy. She would need courage to do a good job, if she ever wanted to side for the underdog. Haven't been doing that lately, she scoffed. Lastly, friendship. Oh, friendship at sm.net was an incredible concept. Much like something simple like eye contact, it could mean a thousand things. Friendship, at first glance, she had already gained, but she knew there was more to it than on the surface. There always was. She needed friendship, really, to understand people from all walks of writing, and to coexist with their different styles.

Swiveling in her chair again, slightly, she thought about what her final choice would be: Shape up or ship out? Blankly, she looked over at her clay Mr. Saturn figurines, and glanced invariably at the faceless NeoPaula figure she had made. A head of empty thoughts would be welcome, when making a heavy decision such as this. Suddenly, it occurred to her. If she wanted to accept friendship, she couldn't let anyone take the fall for her irresponsibility. She thought back to Animus. Anthadd truly has doubted his own actions all along; he had been strong enough to voice it at the time. That took courage, she thought, and laughed aloud at the same words coming back to her. They were more important than she had estimated, she thought.

But what to do? Leaving the community certainly wouldn't make any waves; that was like trying to make waves in a raging ocean. She didn't want to leave, she realized with a start, and she didn't understand why. All that was left was a barren landscape, but the Earthbound spirit kept her back at the wasteland. It takes courage to stay, and fight an uphill battle. But did she have it?

She smiled, and she knew in an instant that she did. Things would never be the same, she thought with satisfaction, now that she had made this promise with herself. She couldn't leave, and she wouldn't. It would take her time to fully understand her actions, and better herself, but she was ready to accept the challenge.


Other Submissions by NeoPaula

Author Sort Ascending Sort Descending Title Sort Ascending Sort Descending Description Sort Ascending Sort Descending Date Sort Ascending Sort Descending Rank Sort Ascending Sort Descending
NeoPaula A Very Adonuts Christmas
A fanfic about the Andonuts family.
3/26/05 0.00
NeoPaula An Earthbound Community
I don't have enough room on my desk for all of these...
1/15/08 10.00
NeoPaula Destination: Imagination
423
7/31/06 0.00
NeoPaula Diaries: Sm.net
520
7/31/06 0.00
NeoPaula Earthbound: A Game for Everyone
173
7/31/06 0.00

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