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Frank's Brainchild - by Rabid Dog

Frank's Brainchild

Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of having a subservient metal man to do his bidding. This dream has been passed down from generation to generation. History is filled with examples. The Statue of Liberty. (Technically a metal woman) The Iron Giant. (If you wish hard enough, he might be real.) Even DaVinci's very first artists rendition of a Renaissance Era "Go-Bot". History has served as a marking point in all of these great achievement towards the human dream.

Since the dawn of a few weeks ago, another bold step was taken by local Onett man, Francis "Frank Fly" Laird as he unveiled his automaton to the world. This is his "true" story.

Francis "Frank Fly" Laird was often bullied as a kid. This should be no surprise considering that in Onett, there isn't much to do for a town other than group around some blonde kid and kick the ever living crap out of him. He was constantly harassed by schoolmates, emergency response units, and on one unforgettable occasion, Mayor B.H. Pirkle, captured here in this photo at his mayoral inauguration.

[image pirklevsfly.jpg could not be found]

Frank was an introvert, a thinker, or as the rest of the town would put it, a "square". He spent much of his youth reading. Two topics piqued his youthful interest: robotics and sharks. Realizing that if he could somehow combine the two (and presumably graft it into his own body) his bullying problems would be over, he set to work. His early sketches depicted the aquatic automaton as a large cybernetic shark, capable of shooting what appear to be lasers from its eyes. Other design specifications for this early draft included, "Nuclear payload", "Crazy fast", and "Totally rad name".

And so, young Frank went to work collecting scrap metal from junkyards and downed flying saucers near Peaceful Rest Valley. He gathered computer parts from the local library. (Causing a computing error to show all withdrawn materials to show "200X" as their due date, in place of an actual date.) He was even able to salvage some small pieces of shoelace from the shoes of bullies as they kicked him on the ground.

Soon came the day that he finished his completion. The "Frankystein" was ready for action. As Frank called out all the neighborhood bullies to come and face him, the robot booted up with a large burst of steam. When the bullies gathered around to see this new contraption standing at four feet, two inches in the middle of the street, Frank initiated the battle protocol via a broomstick wedged in the back of the machine. Frank was quoted to say that he was, "Less than pleased" with the function of the robot. While Frank had heavily armored the construct, he'd forgotten to swap out any battle routines for the coffee maker currently running the CPU. After dispensing a mildly warm cup of coffee onto the ground, a beating commenced that Frank would never forget.

Hopes crushed, Frank ran home and cried into his bed for a few hours until his mother came to get him for dinner. After eating dinner, he began to feel better and realized that he didn't need to create a whole robot to take on every bully. He just had to out-bully the head honcho. The biggest bully in Onett at the time was William Furnace, the leader of the roving street gang known as "The Black Porpoises".

William Furnace AKA "Killer Flipper" had first started his vendetta against "the establishment" when the owner of "Fun-Land Arcade and Family Fun Emporium" asked him to leave on grounds of profanity and William replied with a cold, and totally wicked, "No." Several versions of this story have circulated with variations of what William replied, which included, "No way, Pops.", "You can't make me." and "Alright..." (The latter only told by the owner himself) This was the big cheese that Frank had determined to topple with his new and improved robot.

Frank realized that having an aquatic robot wouldn't serve him well on terra firma, so he redesigned the "Frankystein" with tank treads. The "Hyper-Caffeinated Ultra-Super-Burning Coffee Cup of Justice" attack was also eliminated in favor of the more practical "Sharpened Rake-Hands of Justice" arms that the new model was now fit with. The coffee machine remained intact in the design, but only to power the servos of the system and to give Frank refreshment mid-battle if needed. (This feature was later proved impossible to access with the new "Servo-Lux Hardtanium Barrel Armor" that the robot was outfitted with after his initial fight.)

Frank redesigned not only the "Frankystein" (now "Frankystein Mk. II") but himself as well, donning a leisure suit that his father had left behind when he had taken a "Business Trip" that had extended well into thirteen years as of this point. He decided that he would become the Shark that devoured the Porpoise, despite preliminary evidence showing that sharks and porpoises aren't natural enemies. He donned the nickname "Frank Fly" because it was quote, "Alliterative and undeniably B-A."

As he pulled his creation into town, the townspeople looked at it in awe. The sneer that was crudely painted on the "Uncrushable Top-Heavy Power Bucket" was topped only by Frank's. He marched into the arcade and demanded a showdown with "Killer Flipper". "Killer Flipper" never fought with the "Frankystein Mk. II". Upon seeing the sheer terror of it, William Furnace soiled himself and tore out of the arcade. The Black Porpoises' turf then fell to Frank Fly. He renamed the gang, "The Sharks" much to the relief of most of the gang members who openly admitted that "Porpoise is hard to spell".

To this very day, Frank Fly has been undefeated except for unsubstantiated rumors that a local boy with a baseball bat had scrapped the terrible death-machine that Frank had created. Current operation have settled down somewhat, and that is an undeniable fact. Some speculate that beating up the local with the baseball bat had started grating on his conscience. Realizing that he was becoming the bully that he hated most growing up, he has lessened his grip on the poor town, who's citizens only want to, "Create an open and free environment for their children exclusively through the use of gratuitous roadblocks."

This has been "How They Became Mini-Bosses" with Joss Card. Tune in next week as we unmask the terrible back story of local Twoson citizen, Everdread.

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